FEAR
"I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid. " John 14:27, NLT
Just warning you all....this is a long one....Boy, FEAR, don't know why it came to me to night, but really felt strongly today that FEAR needed to be the topic of the day. A little graphic maybe, but not going to apologize for the graphic nature or the biblical references....this is me....
There are so many types of FEAR---can you only imagine the fear of a child who is being abused by someone in their immediate circle of protection and understanding? It is unfathomable. I don't wish this FEAR on my biggest enemies, not that I have any(that I know of), but the FEAR that follows you every moment of every day is hard to explain.
I would get up for school and he would be gone to work, a bit of relief. But then getting on the bus and then getting to school, I would constantly look over my shoulder as he would be watching me many times. He would watch at lunch, as in Jr. High we had open campus and could go across the street to a Burger King bus, yep a bus. It was awesome. That's what you get when your on a military base overseas. He would be parked in the distance watching my every move. He would watch who I was with, what I was doing, where I was going. What a terrible feeling.
In the evening the fear of him picking me up from sports--or watching me play. I could never be myself. The FEAR was overwhelming. The daily threats of being taken away or losing my mother and brother. OH! And then there was going to bed at night, what ultimate fear that was. As I never knew when he was going to come into my room late at night when everyone was asleep and try something. I would play sleep and flail around like I was sleeping restlessly, but that didn't always work.
Then there was high school. Somewhat of an outcast/misfit if you will. I had come to this high school my freshman year, to a school, where everyone had gone to school together their entire lives, or close to it, I was different, I was new....not just anyone lets someone new in. I joined soccer, softball, basketball, I was involved in Scouting (my really only safe-haven). And no matter what school event, sport, etc. he was there watching. ALWAYS. I got to a point where I would totally seperate myself from any school events, besides the sports I was playing in. The FEAR was too great. What consequence was I going to pay after an event because I was hanging with a friend or a guy. Or who knows how he would construe what he saw or witnessed.
The FEAR of a child with no one to talk to and no where to go because the risk was too high. FEAR gripped my entire being. FEAR was constant -- I can remember back in elementary school, worrying if my mother had an AVON event to go to and
we were going to have to stay home alone with him. FEAR---imagine it. What is your FEAR??
Amazing how FEARS change. After we got through the interviews with police and all the medical physcials (yep kinda like in the movies) the FEARS changed, what if he called, what if he was stalking again, what if, what if, what if. FEAR is a gripping thing, FEAR can control your soul and your being.
Since 90% of abusers are people that our children know and 68% of those abusers are related---don't you think FEAR is a huge thing? We as children were suppose to be able to trust these people---in my case a man I once called Daddy, Father, Dad---the man that was suppose to protect me, love me, fulfill my families needs---this many so calculated, manipulative and violent.....FEAR is a noose around your neck as a child or an adult who is having to experience this horrific life. FEAR that one day this sick dirty man might impregnate me and then what will happen??? Let's talk about FEAR.
FEAR takes on many facets in our lives, FEAR can be caused by so much--not just abuse, maybe it's loss of a job, loss of a child, loss of parents, being in debt, not being in control, FEAR of racisim, or sexism, or FEAR of axiety----let's face it we all have FEAR in our lives.
We also have FEAR when we don't understand....we FEAR people we don't understand, situations, medical worries, places, political things, FEAR is significant when we are unknowing, uneducated in a topic, or don't understand.
FEAR was eliminated for me when I put my faith first, I realized that what I was fearful of was minute. I was alive, my family was alive, this man was no longer causing pain and hurt. I realized that the courage to be me, to not allow him to cause me to be fearful was alive and well in me. My Ultimate Forgiveness enabled me to discard, throw-away the fear. Forgiving was like the keys to close the door and lock it away forever--no more FEAR. Only living.
2 Timothy 1:7 NIV "For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline."
Love to you all, praying for lives to be changed.
I also want to recommend a book to you all....."Fearless" -Max Lucado
Just warning you all....this is a long one....Boy, FEAR, don't know why it came to me to night, but really felt strongly today that FEAR needed to be the topic of the day. A little graphic maybe, but not going to apologize for the graphic nature or the biblical references....this is me....
There are so many types of FEAR---can you only imagine the fear of a child who is being abused by someone in their immediate circle of protection and understanding? It is unfathomable. I don't wish this FEAR on my biggest enemies, not that I have any(that I know of), but the FEAR that follows you every moment of every day is hard to explain.
I would get up for school and he would be gone to work, a bit of relief. But then getting on the bus and then getting to school, I would constantly look over my shoulder as he would be watching me many times. He would watch at lunch, as in Jr. High we had open campus and could go across the street to a Burger King bus, yep a bus. It was awesome. That's what you get when your on a military base overseas. He would be parked in the distance watching my every move. He would watch who I was with, what I was doing, where I was going. What a terrible feeling.
In the evening the fear of him picking me up from sports--or watching me play. I could never be myself. The FEAR was overwhelming. The daily threats of being taken away or losing my mother and brother. OH! And then there was going to bed at night, what ultimate fear that was. As I never knew when he was going to come into my room late at night when everyone was asleep and try something. I would play sleep and flail around like I was sleeping restlessly, but that didn't always work.
Then there was high school. Somewhat of an outcast/misfit if you will. I had come to this high school my freshman year, to a school, where everyone had gone to school together their entire lives, or close to it, I was different, I was new....not just anyone lets someone new in. I joined soccer, softball, basketball, I was involved in Scouting (my really only safe-haven). And no matter what school event, sport, etc. he was there watching. ALWAYS. I got to a point where I would totally seperate myself from any school events, besides the sports I was playing in. The FEAR was too great. What consequence was I going to pay after an event because I was hanging with a friend or a guy. Or who knows how he would construe what he saw or witnessed.
The FEAR of a child with no one to talk to and no where to go because the risk was too high. FEAR gripped my entire being. FEAR was constant -- I can remember back in elementary school, worrying if my mother had an AVON event to go to and
we were going to have to stay home alone with him. FEAR---imagine it. What is your FEAR??
Amazing how FEARS change. After we got through the interviews with police and all the medical physcials (yep kinda like in the movies) the FEARS changed, what if he called, what if he was stalking again, what if, what if, what if. FEAR is a gripping thing, FEAR can control your soul and your being.
Since 90% of abusers are people that our children know and 68% of those abusers are related---don't you think FEAR is a huge thing? We as children were suppose to be able to trust these people---in my case a man I once called Daddy, Father, Dad---the man that was suppose to protect me, love me, fulfill my families needs---this many so calculated, manipulative and violent.....FEAR is a noose around your neck as a child or an adult who is having to experience this horrific life. FEAR that one day this sick dirty man might impregnate me and then what will happen??? Let's talk about FEAR.
FEAR takes on many facets in our lives, FEAR can be caused by so much--not just abuse, maybe it's loss of a job, loss of a child, loss of parents, being in debt, not being in control, FEAR of racisim, or sexism, or FEAR of axiety----let's face it we all have FEAR in our lives.
We also have FEAR when we don't understand....we FEAR people we don't understand, situations, medical worries, places, political things, FEAR is significant when we are unknowing, uneducated in a topic, or don't understand.
FEAR was eliminated for me when I put my faith first, I realized that what I was fearful of was minute. I was alive, my family was alive, this man was no longer causing pain and hurt. I realized that the courage to be me, to not allow him to cause me to be fearful was alive and well in me. My Ultimate Forgiveness enabled me to discard, throw-away the fear. Forgiving was like the keys to close the door and lock it away forever--no more FEAR. Only living.
2 Timothy 1:7 NIV "For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline."
Love to you all, praying for lives to be changed.
I also want to recommend a book to you all....."Fearless" -Max Lucado
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