My eight year old eyes saw visions of twenty something....they saw things that a young child should never see. Through my eyes, this life that I was in, was hell on earth....fire and brimstone, fear and pain, hatred and a sick kind of love.
Through my eyes- a fathers love was something different, not protective, safe, endearing, positive, but the opposite....Scary, evil, morbid, violent, manipulative, and so much more.
Through my eyes the maturing years got harder and more painful, was I ever going to see what I should see? Will I ever have the view of life through rose colored glasses, would this hell on earth ever change?!?!
It got worse before it got better. The pain continued into high school. Try going through what was going on behind the door of my house and then up and move to a new state in the ninth grade and start high school with people that had been together, most since they were small. Didn't quite fit in, couldn't find a niche....through my eyes I was a freak, even though there was nothing outwardly to show. Didn't want anyone to know, so I hid. Sat with the less popular, engulfed myself in scouts (great thing by the way), and through my eyes...I was fakin' it till I made it. No dances, no social functions, no sporting events-through my eyes he was everywhere--my father-the rapist the liar, the stalker...only through my eyes...no one had any idea.
As the abuse came to a close, as police, detectives, judges, lawyers, counselors all came into the picture....as I stood in front of the judge with my abuser (in shackles and an orange suit) staring me down with laser eyes of hatred and violence--and I spoke these words: "Sir he had no mercy on us, please have no mercy on him,"
The judge looked at me with pain and tears in his eyes...he whispered "it's going to be okay"....
That judge then ruled and exceptional sentence, 17.5 years, this bastard was finally going to somewhat pay for what he took: our innocence, our childhood, our lives as we knew them then.
But one thing that hit me at that moment was, through my eyes...the world was different. All of those people involved: police, my family, judges, lawyers, social workers, counselors...renewed my sight, gave me vision to a new life and a new hope.
I swore that day through my eyes I wouldnt miss anything. The beauty of the clouds, the sky, the clouds, people, life....any of God's creations. Through my eyes I wasn't ever going to miss something....not smell a flower or stop and take a picture, or think about and talk to some random person on the street.
I wanted to always see through the eyes of a child...something I couldn't do growing up. I wanted to see through skin color, sexuality, the past, people's pain, I wante to always see waits in all things.
I swore that my children one day would experience and try everything. That they would see through my eyes to capture the passion in the world around them and the people.
Some might wonder why I do crazy stuff, why I am constantly posting photos or quotes.....I want you to be able to see through my eyes--just a little to know what it's like to be renewed in the world around you and this crazy journey we call life.
One thing I know is with every bone in my body, with every ounce of my being -- I want to assure that all children in my world - experience an amazing adventure and no one or nothing (that I can control) will change that.
I have talked to several lately, that their children have been abused by a trusted person.....DO NOT stop fighting, get your children out of that situation, no matter what you have to do....through their eyes-you are their lifeline...don't let them down!
So....through my eyes....this is my life, it's crazy, wacky, and fun---and now I am enjoying it as much as I can...
To the year of forty, through my eyes!
Love you all, praying for lives to be changed.