Oh yes, strength....easy to seem strong on the outside....easy to be who you want to portray from outside...but inside there are days when I am just mush.
There are times when a day is, for some unknown reason, hard, full of anxiety, and fear. These types of days are few and far between, but they somewhat snap me into reality...that my abuser, rapist, father(or speed donor if you will), is living in society, less than an hour away.
Yes, it's a real worry and a real threat, to some extent. But i hope that since there is a life time restraining order all will be fine....but I remind myself,curiosity did kill the cat.
To go back a bit....when he first got out of prison, I would have anxiety attacks driving down the road...I would pull over talk myself off the ledge, persay....and them continue on. Phew!
Recently in talking to other survivors and a couple of parents, just starting the prosecution phase....I realized these reactions are normal. The anxiety other survivors have gone through arevery similar to me. Myself talk during these time would be that I didn't want anyone to see be vulnerable, to see me weak, or see me breakdown.
During these conversations with others, I am a big talker, what I have been through , what worked for me, how I handle today.
Yesterday I realized...there is anxiety still there, maybe covered up with a busy life...maybe hidden so only some can see, or maybe worn on sleeve, more than I realize.
Yesterday while chasing an eagle down the freeway, I was with Aaron and mentioned if I knew what car my abuser was driving these days. Didn't think much about it at first, was slightly giggling, because up until 6 months ago I could have told you the car he was driving. But right now that he mentioned it, I didn't.
Felt slightly out of control, I didn't know, if he was stalking again, what if he was behind us right then, what-if, what-if, what-if....
He proceeded to tell me a car has been around more than he cared to admit and it might be nothing, but noticeably visible...not a car he recognizes and didn't recognize the person in the drivers seat.
It has been 7 years since he was set free, And the 11 yeara he served, dont know i others would recognize him. There is a plan, we know what to do if he is seen around again--but REALITY, set in.
Reality.... my life is forward moving, that I don't dwell on the fact he's alive, anymore. I don't dwell on the fact that he lives fairly close.....but the reality of those things hit me like a brick.
The harsh reminder...the pain and fear is buried deep within me....but it's there...and the ability to be stirred from sleep - is more apparent than I know---reality, brokenness is never fully healed.
For all you survivors out there, you deserve to have a good life, you deserve to be successful, prosper, have families, etc. Yes we are broken deep within us, our childhoods were stripped, our spirit diminished, and the scars run deep.
But we are SURVIVORS....and no matter what we will persevere...
Think about these things... Think about what you have been through...and then think about what you are going to do to assure this doesn't happen to another child again.
Praying for lives to be changed.