Something he said today, really impacted me. He said, he is living his "personal hell". His wedding anniversary was the week earlier and he wasn't able to go and get his wife a present. That to him was the worst possible thing that could happen. He said he didn't care about any of the affects of the ALS, until it hit him that he couldn't go do something for his wife. He said that for the first time in the 12 months since he was diagnosed, that he hates this disease and is living in his "personal hell".
We talked about a lot of other things during the visit, but "personal hell" really stuck with me. I got to thinking about my "personal hell", which was being abused by my father. The late night visits to my room when everyone else was sleeping, the detours in the van on the way home from soccer practice, the stalking, the drilling holes in the bathroom door so that he could look in and watch....my "personal hell".
I had a bit of drive home from my friend's house....lots of time to think alone....
I got to thinking about "personal hell" and if I were to ask different people about their "personal hell" how I would get many different answers. A few people that I know already...would say--a relationship breakup, bankruptcy, medical/health related issues, depression, death of a family member/loved one, loss of a child, rape, drug abuse, devastating storms, earthquakes, tornados.....all of us have our own "personal hell", How we choose to deal with that hell, how we choose to survive that hell, how we choose to come out of the tunnell on the other side of the hell....is our responsibility....is our choice.
Do you sit there and die or take control and have a life....choose to live and not exist.
That doesn't mean surviving our hell is easy, or something that we can do on our own, but there are resources, help, counseling, etc....there are ways that we can work through our hell and beat it, be better than it, and not give in to the pain of the hell.
For me that was a very long road. There was suicide thoughts, wanting to run away, financial strains, relationship strains, internal heartache, hours of counseling, sleepless/wrestless night, distrust, anxiety, and pain.....surviving my "personal hell" wasn't easy. It isn't easy for my friend, e, and he won't be surviving it ... but as he told me today, he is ready....he knows death is iminent, and besides hating the moment recently, that he is going out on top.
My "personal hell" took my childhood, made me into an adult much earlier then ever should have happened, but I came out alive, my friend won't. Others don't make it out alive....even some who are physically alive, aren't alive inside or mentally.
I want to encourage each and every one of you....that if you are in your "personal hell" or you have come through it, that you take it by the horns and fight the impact of it. Don't let it get the better of you, don't let the horrible "thing" impact your life forever...take the reigns, take control, and be mean and nasty and beat it.....knock the hell out of the "hell" that you have been through. We are all survivors....of our "personal hell".
If you need help or guidance, but please let me know, there are lot of resources that we can share to help you out.
And please remember, that person your sitting next to on the bus, the person that sits a couple cubicles over, how about the "super mom" that seems to have it all together....everyone has had something devastating, hard, painful happen in their lives...keep your eyes open...it might be the day that you are put in someones life for a reason.
Love to all, praying for lives to be changed.