Masquerades, I was thinking about masquerades, I have never been to one, but I was thinking about what you see on TV, the mystery, excitement, intrigu…not necessarily the dancing or event of it, because trust me…if you saw me bust a move—might scare everyone :)
I was thinking more about the masks ….everyone comes as someone else, someone they want to be, and someone different on the outside. Masks are interesting aren’t they? Outwardly they change you to who you want to be. They change your outer appearance and you can be anyone or anything that you choose.
I chose this picture above, because this picture fascinated me…and it was perfect…a masquerade mask with 3 potential faces…..I really have been soul searching recently because I know that I am not as transparent as I should be with those in my life and with all of you. I have many masquerade masks available for your viewing pleasure J
That isn’t to say that I am fake or not who I say I am, but that for my outward appearance to you I could be whomever I need to be at the moment. Let’s go back almost 21 years (Oh my goodness!! Dating myself for sure!) When I moved to Washington State and started at my High School, I knew no one. We moved here in the military. We were stationed in Germany and I had been there for 5 years and loved every minute of it. See when you’re a military kid…when you move your welcomed with open arms because everyone you have is who you have, they are your family, everyone is part over everyone.
When I moved here, oh goodness, close your eyes and visualize….oh wait your reading J New 9th, yes 9th grader, going into high school, knowing no one. This should be great fun! It was a disaster. All the “cool” kids had been together since they were little. The nerdy kids were afraid of everyone else, I had no idea how to fit in because I never had to “fit in”, I was always the cool kid. Athletic, popular, outgoing…so in Germany…never had an issue and because of all that I never worried about any one finding out about the abuse I was going through at home. Let’s just say high school wasn’t the best years of my life!
Our family looked normal, whatever that looks like. So back to Washington State, no fitting in here! I was so afraid of becoming close to anyone and having to take my “mask” off, I stayed far, far away. I played sports, chatted with a few here and there, learned a lot, but kept my mask on so that no one would ever know the real me. Truly, most probably don’t know about the abuse even now.
I am typing fast, because we are out of power and my laptop is about to die, sorry sidetracked. It was an ordeal to come here, to come completely out of my comfort zone. The mask was on all the time….I was scared to let anyone see the real me. I was terribly afraid of speaking out of turn, saying something wrong, which all could lead to being found out.
I wore many masks as a kid. I had to I had to play good daughter at times, I had to play obeyer to his demands at times, I had to have a mask for every role he expected out of me…for a child to be people and ages that they have no clue about … it was all a masquerade. What a great way to put it! I have been trying to come up with a way to describe it for quite some time!
Today in many instances – my masquerade masks still come out. I am the real me, but there is a lot in my heart and in my soul that I don’t share with anyone. I don’t want to be hurt, I don’t want to expose myself for the chance that someone won’t like me, won’t like me for who I am, won’t want to be a part of my life anymore. I shared this with a friend the other day and she said…you have told the world what your father did to you….how much more vulnerable can you be? Yes this is true, I am very frank about the goings on as a child, all the horrible things that he did to me and my family, but I am not as willing to spill my heart and soul. I have many passions that I don’t hesitate telling anyone how I feel or what I think about the topics. Child sexual abuse is one of those topics, gay rights is another, Christians really being Christians---loving people, is another one…..but my true soul…..might still be there hiding. I am a very patient person, but there are many times the patience goes right out the window!
So I am going to take a mask off tonight…I am afraid of being rejected, I am not a big fan of being alone (this might surprise people, since I go alone a lot), I am afraid you might not like me, I get nervous that you might talk bad about me, I worry about hurting people’s feelings, I don’t sit still well (oh wait many of you might know that)…..
To a fault, I love people too much sometimes, I take on a lot of “stuff”, I struggle with depression too, I have thought about and contemplated suicide many times, I cry when I am alone so that no one will see me hurting, I love to care for people, but sometimes need that in return. I am tough-----but yet pretty sensitive…..I love to share my thoughts, but also love sharing thoughts and revelations of others—there are amazing speakers and authors and everything in between out there that I learn so much from!
So there you have it, is that all of my masks? Have I taken them all off? If you noticed, I said I was taking “a mask” off tonight…..so yes there are many many more….but hey this is a start.
What I have learned in my 38 years is, we all have masks….we can make ourselves out to be anyone we want people to think we are, how many masks do you have in your closet? I know I have more than I can count. Trust me that I am real, true, and honest, but know….there is more to me…you may never see, learn, or know.
Today’s challenge….take a mask off, find someone you trust with your whole soul and share something that lies underneath your mask, its an amazing feeling to open the door and become vulnerable…trusting and sharing with another that you care about and cares about you. Take off the masks….maybe only one at a time and that is okay….one at a time is great. I BELIEVE IN YOU.
Here is to finding your VOICE and finding your ULTIMATE FORGIVENESS!
Love to all…praying for lives to be changed---as I do every single day!