During my childhood, my abusing father always made sure to tell me I was fat, chunky, lots to love, that no one would ever love me like he did, and that I would always be short and fat. Well, once you have been told something for a period of time you begin to believe it. I was ashame. I felt shame about my weight, I felt shame about what he was doing to do me...shame just engulfed my life.
I was on a roller-coaster of weight for years. I was very athletic all growing up; soccer, softball, basketball, track, and other sports. I loved to be active with Girl Scouts hiking, snowshoeing, swimming events, etc., but weight was always a battle. When I was going to go in the Air Force, I worked out 3 times a day and got down to 150. I was raring to go, this would be it-- I wasn't going to go back to that weight again. Then it happened again...had Jaycob gained it all back, had Tyler...gained even more. Then came June 2010, I was miserable, hated my job, hated my body, I was a bit miserable.I muttled through--remembering constantly what he said to me...like a ringing in my head, you will always be fat. I would hear this over and over and over again. No matter what I did.
Let's jump forward, January 2011, I woke up one morning with this incredible peace. I can't even explain it. I woke up thinking I am not doing this any longer....I was, the largest I had ever been. I was 292...wow! I don't know if I have ever actually said that number outloud.
I was done the time had come to make some serious changes--shame no more. I wasn't ashamed of my body, of who I was, of what had happened to me as a child, none of it. It was like an amazing UH-HUH moment. I took responsibility for me...I was no longer going to blame my bio-dad for his abuse and for me being fat. I was the one to blame no one else.
I wasn't going to be ashamed of what he had done to me anymore...and in April 2011 I started this blog and shared my story with many who have known me for years, but never knew what had happened. You too can have this. After many prayers night after night, reading of books, it had dawned on me that the strength I needed, the power that I needed was within me! Not any book or counseling, or any other material thing. The power, strength, and purpose was in me! So many amazing people to thank for this year and all that I found within myself, wasn't all about me, but about the people around me that taught me so much!
As far as being ashamed to say I wasn't a virgin when I was married, that I was raped by my biological father repeatedly.... I didn't ask him to do what he did to me, he did it. He was the adult and he had the control. He was the one with the power.
Same for all of you, whatever abuse you have gone through---ITS NOT YOUR FAULT, and you shouldn't feel any shame in what happened or any shame in yourself. You are amazing, beautiful, and a person that deserves love!!! And remember--all of you no matter what the trauma in your life, eating disorders, emotional eating, having been abused, or fear that you can't even explain....all of you too have the strength and power in yourself to make a difference and change your future!!!
I am not a boaster normally, but in 12 months I have lost 58 lbs. I feel great. I started playing soccer last fall for more activity, and working out at least 5 days a week, tracking what I eat, drinking more water...and just getting out there. This year I found my voice, my forgiveness, and found my groove :) I am sharing this because all of you can find the same peace.
I have a long way to go, I have insecurity issues, I have worry problems, people pleasing still an issue...and on and on....why I am telling you all that?? I am not perfect...and never will be, but what I can tell you is that when you find your peace, when you find your voice, when you find your groove....life starts to come together so that you may live and love again.
Challenge this week for everyone--what do you want to do? What is your passion? What is your fear?? Tackle one of them...and make a difference.....FIND YOUR VOICE and your ULTIMATE FORGIVENESS will come to you!
Take it from me---a broken soul---> you can get your GROOVE back!
Love to all, praying for lives to be changed!