Your probably thinking, why am I talking about this here and now....well here and now is always present right??? We can put the memories, the history away, but what do we do with the here and now??
Well 26 years ago I lived in Maryland. Yep right down the road. We would bring our visitors here to DC to see the sites, of course it looks way different at age 38, then when your 12, but still memories none-the same.
I realized tonight that the memories have been more on the forefront of my mind then I thought. It's been great to be away, have a break, catching up with old friends, and family, but WOW, the memories....are still there. Have I forgave my "daddy" as I called him at the time...I have forgiven him for me. But the pain and hurt and the memories of what happened during those times are not gone and probably never would be.
I wanted to go to the base where we lived and drive by the house we lived in all those many years. Decided against it. WHY do you ask? Probably because I don't want to know what is in me that might come out. I am not afraid, I just have other things to focus on this trip and don't want to derail my thoughts, energy. But as I sit here gazing at this amazing view and the night sky...the tears are streaming down my face.
Here are some of my random thoughts:
Thoughts for a "Daddy"
Why would you choose to never be in our lives again?
Why would you make those choices -- that would cause you to never meet your grandkids?
Why did you play the games you did? Why did you touch me with your private parts?
Why did the Army never know what you were doing to us behind those walls?? If only walls could talk.
Why did we get you as a daddy?
So many whys with no answers, but I can say that today I am free....yes these memories are here and tears are streaming down my face, but I know that I am living my best life and not letting you "daddy" rule that life any more...YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER ME OR MY LIFE.
Love to you all.....praying for lives to be changed.....FIND YOUR ULTIMATE FORGIVENESS.