Have you ever been through a fabulous season in life....then for it to be over and life to have moved on....with everything about it in the past...
That is the way the abuse is in my mind some days. Last week was one of those times...where all of it seems so surreal, like I never really lived in that time, I never went through any of it, that my biological father could have never done anything like that to his blood child.
Then there are times like now, right this moment...when the memories are so vivid, so real, so NOW. Its interesting I went through so many types of therapy and one stood out, Rapid Eye Movement therapy. I remember the counselor saying, "Watch my fingers as they move back and forth...and tell me about your life from as far back as you can remember, as though you were on a train."
That was a pivotal moment in my healing....I remember thinking that I was going to be so different that everything that happened to me will be a thing of the past. That the games that he played never happened, that he never locked me in the van hidden on a back street and had his way with me....thinking--"Yippeeeee, I can pretend like none of that happened...the train trip through life will make it all go away."
This is true most of the time, most of the days and nights, I can just access the memories when I want...but what I want all of you who are struggling forgiving and being to live and love again...is that there are days when the memories are going to be so vivid, like it is happening right now...right here...they will be so vivid that you might really be unnerved I know that it happens to me and today is one of those days.
There are going to be moments when something triggers a memory that you have no control over......trigger for me to day? Seeing a man today that had all the looks and characteristics of my biological father. Could it have been him? Sure it could have, he only lives a few hours away and where I was could have been totally possible. His mannerisms were so real, so identical...and his looks---just like the crime victims picture I was sent a few years ago. I walked over just to check, I don't believe that it was him, but what I do know is that my heart was in my throat, my hands were sweaty and I quickly gathered my children just in case. Today was a stirring reminder....not only that he could be in a public place the same time as me, but that those memories are still at the surface in some degree.
What today did to me was bring me back to the reality that....all of those horrific, terrible, scary moments did happen. And the heart pouding anxiety that I felt today....made all of those memories real....almost too real.
My forgiveness, healing, finding of my voice, and moving into my life as it exists today....doesn't change the fact that any of it happened....just enables me to have a life and LOVE PEOPLE!
Don't give up....keep fighting to FIND YOUR VOICE and your ULTIMATE FORGIVENESS, because every day is definitely a battle, but definitely worth fighting for!
Praying for lives to be changed....
love you all.