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Memories come from behind.......

12/19/2011

3 Comments

 
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There are days when all of the abuse, the intrusions to my sleep, the loss of childhood fun, the stalking, the control....all seem to be a thing of the past...like maybe it never happened.  Have you ever had then when you go on a fabulous trip and then when you get home, you stop and think, "WOW, did that really happen?" 

Have you ever been through a fabulous season in life....then for it to be over and life to have moved on....with everything about it in the past...

That is the way the abuse is in my mind some days.  Last week was one of those times...where all of it seems so surreal, like I never really lived in that time, I never went through any of it, that my biological father could have never done anything like that to his blood child. 

Then there are times like now, right this moment...when the memories are so vivid, so real, so NOW.  Its interesting I went through so many types of therapy and one stood out, Rapid Eye Movement therapy.  I remember the counselor saying, "Watch my fingers as they move back and forth...and tell me about your life from as far back as you can remember, as though you were on a train." 

That was a pivotal moment in my healing....I remember thinking that I was going to be so different that everything that happened to me will be a thing of the past.  That the games that he played never happened, that he never locked me in the van hidden on a back street and had his way with me....thinking--"Yippeeeee, I can pretend like none of that happened...the train trip through life will make it all go away."

This is true most of the time, most of the days and nights, I can just access the memories when I want...but what I want all of you who are struggling forgiving and being to live and love again...is that there are days when the memories are going to be so vivid, like it is happening right now...right here...they will be so vivid that you might really be unnerved I know that it happens to me and today is one of those days. 

There are going to be moments when something triggers a memory that you have no control over......trigger for me to day?  Seeing a man today that had all the looks and characteristics of my biological father.  Could it have been him?  Sure it could have, he only lives a few hours away and where I was could have been totally possible.  His mannerisms were so real, so identical...and his looks---just like the crime victims picture I was sent a few years ago.  I walked over just to check, I don't believe that it was him, but what I do know is that my heart was in my throat, my hands were sweaty and I quickly gathered my children just in case.  Today was a stirring reminder....not only that he could be in a public place the same time as me, but that those memories are still at the surface in some degree. 

What today did to me was bring me back to the reality that....all of those horrific, terrible, scary moments did happen.  And the heart pouding anxiety that I felt today....made all of those memories real....almost too real.

My forgiveness, healing, finding of my voice, and moving into my life as it exists today....doesn't change the fact that any of it happened....just enables me to have a life and LOVE PEOPLE!

Don't give up....keep fighting to FIND YOUR VOICE and your ULTIMATE FORGIVENESS, because every day is definitely a battle, but definitely worth fighting for!

Praying for lives to be changed....
love you all.

-P
3 Comments
Amy
12/20/2011 04:21:42 am

Thank you Pennie for sharing. I love you so much and wish there was something I could do besides just be here for you.

Reply
Leila
12/27/2011 11:59:39 am

This just breaks my heart but you are an amazing woman of strength and you have taken back your power. The fact that you share your deepest thoughts and feelings is a gift to others who know just what you mean.

Love you, P

Reply
Leslie Bishop
12/3/2012 07:59:11 pm

Thank you Pennie!!! I absolutely have these same feelings 41 years after my sexual abuse. I spent years feeling like it really did not affect me (denial) because my abuse was not talked about after telling my mom at the age of 15.I wish it would have been dealt with then, so that I could heal at a much younger age. 5 years ago my doctor diagnosed me with PTSD, anxiety, depression and through counseling I have found my voice and learned how to put back together the shattered pieces of my soul. To those of you still hiding your abuse, get help and speak out. Thank you Pennie for helping us all find our voice, and confirming that we are not alone so that we may heal and help others do the same.

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