I can think of times I was so tired of the politics and pain at work, I wanted to completely shut down. There were times in life, where I needed to find some reason to go on. There have been times when I have been so emotionally tired and so alone. A friend once told me you can only be strong so long before it tears you apart. I have been so mentally exahusted with worry and grief.
Tired...comes in so many shapes and sizes. Life isn't fair -- never has been. I was an infant when this man first molested me, same as my brother....LIfe isn't fair. My brother lived on the streets, dealt and did drugs....Life isn't fair. Friends have passed away, way earlier then they should....Life isn't fair. Other friends have lost their children way too soon....Life isn't fair. Another lost the love of her life-way too soon....Life isn't fair. Some are financially strapped, down in the dumps, lost their jobs, received medical news that no one wants to stomach....Life isn't fair. The overwhelming reality of life not being fair....tires us.
In the seventh grade I actually contemplated suicide. I wrote about and now realize I was really hoping that someone would read it and catch on to the horrible things that my bio-father was doing to me. It worked -- well kind of. My mother found my youth group journal about me wanting to commit suicide, but I never wrote about the whys. She was devastated.
She came to my school in Germany at the time and pulled me out of class. She demanded to know why I would say such things and why would I ever even think that way. There she was staring at me in the face -- I was tired -- but I couldn't hurt her. I knew that if she knew the real reasons, she would have a complete meltdown. I knew that this news would be news that no one could ever take. I made up excuses and made it out that it was all me and I just wanted to attention. I was grounded for a week....Life isn't fair.
Who knew that it was going to be another 6 years before anything would finally be said. I would have never guessed. Tired. I was too much of a chicken to actually do any harm to myself. I remember thinking I can't leave my brother and my mother to this monster.
What's my point tonight....really I am not sure -- I guess I keep thinking that someone out there has it way worse than me, their story is devastating -- they are hurting -- they are lost.
That is what keeps me going a lot of times.....yeah this moment sucks, I am feeling really alone right now, I am feeling very overwhelmed right now, I am not sure how I am going to get up and make it through tomorrow --- and I stop and reality check myself....someone somewhere is hurting deeply -- and have no ability to change their situation...what am I complaining about.
So to you tonight whatever it may be -- how bad is it? Sure I always say -- each of us have our own "stuff" that can be equally as bad to us as a death in the family or a diagnosis of cancer.....but in reality -- will it matter in 10 min, 10 days, 10 years? Is it life or death? And then... what is my plan to get through another, yet paintful, season. So tonight as I contemplate how tired I am, how I feel a bit lost, and a bit alone.....you fight too -- this too shall pass.
You too will make it through. Only rainbows after rain.
Night friends, praying for lives to be changed.
Love getting your emails and/or comments ...
"Only rainbows after rain
The sun will always come again.
Its a circle, circling,
Around again, it comes around again" -Andy Grammer