When I talk about hell, I am not talking about fire and brimstone - the devil and fire, but talking about fear and the pain and the horrific actions 24 hours. I would cry myself to sleep begging God to bring back my real father. Take this devil away -- I would beg and beg -- all night. If I closed my eyes he would come in, if I stayed awake he would leave me alone. But God....why, why would you allow this to happen! I couldn't figure it out...I would beg and beg...I was a child, why didn't God listen to me?? Why didn't he do something to stop this hell from happening?
I couldn't figure out why he wouldn't help! I still, some days question why a child should have to suffer. I talk to survivors now, children, adults, parents of children who have suffered the same pain as me....and I still can't help but wonder why the prayers aren't answered....why children don't get a childhood. I will probably never understand. The pain that these children carry to their teenage years, into their adult years--- why!
I have always had a lot of faith, but this is one thing that I can't seem to let go of. And because of that I steer away, I separate myself, and I wonder and I question. I know that I wouldn't be who I am today if my history wasn't as it was, but I will still always question why, if there is a God that he didn't stop my biological father, why didn't he stop Joseph Duncan from raping children and ultimately murdering members of the Groene family. I would cry and plea until there were no more tears.
I would mention in youth group or girls’ bible study "a father that had a different kind of love for me" and nothing happened, nothing changed. The fear, the crippling silence would continue....silence was inflicted on me by the ultimate power - the power of fear and worry and the unknown. Hell, hell between the walls of the dwelling where we lived....hell in the basement, hell in the bedroom, hell through the holes he drilled in the bathroom door, hell in the living room, hell in the van that we drove, hell in the woods nearby, hell everywhere.
After my father was finally held accountable for his actions, I wondered -- did you finally answer my prayers and why did you wait till I was 21 to make him pay, to stop the fear, to stop the tears, to stop the worry....why, why, why??
Somehow I survived, the internal strength brought me through -- where ever that strenth came from...I survived and I guess if there is a God and that strength came from him/her - then I owe a thank you.
I still don't know the answer and I have always said everything happens for some reason...but I sure as hell have no idea what the reason could be for a child to have to suffer the most horrific childhoods ever. The whys behind murders of good / wonderful people.....why it seems that the bad people always make it on to the next day -- I will never understand -- and none of us will ever know the whys?
My faith was questioned then...and I revert to those questions time and again. When I talk to families or parents or children that are going through or have been through something similar I again, beg and plea and cry and wonder -- WHY. If there is a God....WHY?
I am not contradicting anything here....I have forgiven him -- not for him for my healing. But the daily reminders are there....the flashes, the memories, hell just looking in the mirror sometimes....the genetic pollutant that I have no choice against -- is there and that will never ever go away. He was blessed with 2 children -- and his took liberties with us that no human should be allowed to ever do to a child of any age!
Stand strong for our children and let's stop the violence, let's stop stripping children from their lives, WE need to make a difference. And we can make a difference....I do believe there is a God...and one day I hope I get the chance to ask him WHY -- and hope that I can get an answer not just for me...but for the 3.3 million children that are abused each and every year and for the 5 children we lose daily to abuse related deaths.....I just want an answer.
In the meantime.....protect the children--change the laws, make a difference - today, don't wait for someone else to teach your children, don't sit around and wait for someone else to make a difference....stand tall even if you have to stand alone.
Praying for lives to be changed.