I have nothing to do with my biological father, we actually have a life time restraining order against him, and I haven't written him or said to him "you are forgiven." My kids will never be around him ever, I will never be around him ever again, it isn't going to happen--but the forgiveness isn't for him-----> One of the members of one of our groups on Facebook said it perfectly:
"Forgiveness grants nothing to the one forgiven, but it sets the forgiver free. "
I couldn't have said this any better. I did not forgive him for him...I forgave him for me. For freedom for the ability to move on in my life...for the ability to have a life! I forgave so that he no longer had a strong hold on me or my life. Enough was enough.
His actions are completely unforgive-able in all sense of the actions. But the stronghold that is on a survivor when they haven't forgiven is terrible.
Pedophiles and abusers can hold us by the neck with the grip getting tighter and tighter by the moment. Anxiety, watching over your shoulder, not being to love or be loved. I would go through everyday watching everywhere and anywhere--when he was released it was horrible...having an anxiety attack behind the wheel is a terrible feeling. I needed that chapter to bre closed, I needed to move on. Forgiveness was the only way out.
I was one of the lucky ones, when my mother learned of what was going on, she did what she had to do --police, interviews, physicals, court cases, pain, hurt and totally supported her children. This doesn't happen to most--93% of the time the family doesn't support the child being abused. Makes my heart sick--not supporting, not stopping, but continuing to allow horrific things to happen to CHILDREN. Pathetic. I was very lucky. This adds to the pile of pain and hurt and unforgiveness. Painful and continues to poke and prod at you forever and forever.....
So yes there are times when someone asks you for forgiveness---that's your call, but "Ultimate Forgiveness" definitely sets you the forgiver free. I hope that you will find this deep within you, not for your perpetrator--- BUT FOR YOU.
I am by no means perfect, just decided I wanted to a life. I pulled up my boot straps and took control --forgiving for me. He
did terrble things and those memories will never ever go away--and that's ok will use those to help others.
Do what is right for you, follow your heart, but know your an amazing person who has grown in strength and character---be the sb