I started at a broad spectrum view, then drilled town to a personal level. I despise using my abused background as the root of all that I explain, but as I have learned from years of therapy, is that even though I have come a long ways, there are some things that I have inherently learned, although some I have worked through and away from, others I have not.
This topic was a stinger, I know what I do, I know that I push the anger and emotions down, way down and access them rarely. I push it all down: anger, pain, being scared, hurt and I sometimes even the inability to feel happiness.
I grew up having to be everything but me. I had to hide everything that I was feeling all the time. I was the best, the best little actress you ever did meet. I was able to be who everyone needed me to be. I had to keep the peace, I had to maintain my childhoodness with my friends - just to assure that no one would catch on. I had to make sure that my mom was happy with him and that there was no riffs between them. He made me promise, kept saying that their marriage depended on me and keeping him happy.
I had to protect my little brother, well as much as I could, even though I really wasn't able to protect him much at all. I had to make sure our extended family never caught on. I had to assure that life proceeded as normal. Whatever "normal" was.
I would cry myself to sleep, I would be scared that something bad was going to happen to my mother or my brother. I would be angry and mad that he was doing this to me and telling me what he was telling me. I was furious - but there was nothing I could do. If I wanted to have my mom and my brother in my life...everything had to continue as it always had.
I was good - I would keep it all hidden. If things became too much I would go to my room, or soccer or girl scouts or school and I would be in another world for a little while.
It was my duty to get distant and quiet - never angry. To this day I struggle sharing my true feelings, afraid that I am going to rock the boat, anger someone or hurt someones feelings.
I believe that this is the case for many - women and men alike. We grow up in a society of being happy, making due and never sharing our emotions inside the walls of our spaces, let alone outside those walls - out in the world.
This is an ongoing fight - a struggle - the inability to choose me and feel the hard stuff, the feel all the feels, to truly give permission to myself to be me. The fight continues - and a challenge to all - take the bottle top off and let it all go - fully and in the moment. You are strong, you are beautiful and you are allowed to be exactly who you are.
Find your voice....we all want to hear it.
#loveyoself #neverthelessshepersisted #persisterhood
"Being quiet and hidden, is no longer an option." - Pennie Saum