Yes my childhood was a bit of a wreck at times, yes I had to be an adult way before my time, but the inner child thing makes me laugh. Don't get me wrong I know that it works great for others and that is what they have to do, but I remember back to the first counselor I had to go to.
Setting: 1994, January. My brother had spilled the beans about the abuse in our home. I had finally done my share of spilling a couple days later. Right after that bio-dad called me at work to tell me that if I tell about what he had done to anyone when they start questioning me that he will go to prison a long time and that no one will understand and that my life will never be the same. I remember not saying a word....he then said "please promise you will never write a book" to this day I crack up...not that I have written a book, YET, but here you go bio-donor.....blogging away, and yes--some about you.
Anyways...right after that conversation I had to go have a physical (not a fun physical either), up periscopes, probing, 3 hours of questioning, descriptions, pictures that could be deemed offensive :) What an ordeal that was. I can't imagine if someone had to go through that physical and questioning during or right after being abused. That would be so tramatic.
Then came the "special" counselor. She actually heals sex-offenders they told me. WOW! She must have magical powers, because I had been reading about how you really can't ever get that want out of their head.
Anyways---She met with my brother, my mother and I. We discussed everything that had been going on. She gave many kudos to my mother for standing up for her children...and then the infamous words, that she was hooking us up with a social worker MSW, so that we could start healing our "inner-child". OH BOY! That was that term. I wasn't too thrilled about this "inner-child" thing, I have been telling the story for 5 days now to doctors, detectives, policemen, my mother, my family, etc....and now they want me to talk to an "inner-child" who is this person anyways ?!
So here we go...out to this counselors home, she practiced out of her basement and her husband was her partner. My brother met with him and I met with her. She heard the story (yep told it again) and then she said I want you criss-cross applesauce your legs (oh-boy). She then proceeded to tell me to close my eyes and envision my childhood. I stopped her and said you know really I don't want to invision it anymore.....she giggled and told me to find my "happy place" --- oh boy again. Am I in a movie....I was waiting for the straight jacket to come in and then to be taken away.
So I did what she said, here I am criss-crossed, hands on my knees, eyes closed, head back, and she says to tell her about the moment I was in...I was 5 I think in Maryland, and was playing outside with my friends on the hill. She says to me to craddle my arms like I am rocking a baby and start talking to myself "Pennie your a beautiful baby, your safe, your secure, your loved....Pennie your okay" OH MY GOODNESS, I started cracking up out loud. I don't think I had laughed that loud in a long-long time. What a crack up!!!! She told me that this was serious and that I really needed to focus.
I thanked her for her time....left immediately and never went back. I don't know, wasn't for me I guess. And to this day I think about it and crack myself up.
My point in all this? We all do chicken, but we all do chicken our way. There is no definite recipe for healing, forgiveness, life, and moving on, but there is one basic standard...finding your voice, strength, and spirit so that you can overcome what the past has dealt you--so that you can change your future!!! Who knows what the future holds....but what we can control is that the future doesn't have to hold the past ;)
Love to all, praying for lives to be changed...and for a little fun, "Back to the Future"