I was a good kid.  Most of the time I did exactly what was asked of me.  Every holiday, any celebration and every single night, I was asked to give hugs and possibly kisses to those in attendance - well family mainly, sometime family friends.  As I got older I would cringe.  I didn't want to give a hug and a kiss every night to my abuser, but that was my reality.  I knew that that activity was putting fuel on the fire.  In his mind, he was thinking that this evening routine of hugs and kisses is some how consent to the horrific things he was doing during other times of the day.

Coming into my room to fondle me, or hugging me too closely, or eventually raping me and the list goes on.  I would dread that evening routine.  I remember wanting a choice.  I remember trying to pretend that I forgot or was too tired.  But it didn't work.  It was required of me, spoken at times and unspoken at other times.  

Teaching our children about consent at an early age will protect them in ways that you may not realize.  Also teaching consent and assuring that aunt Thelma or Uncle Robert are trained up that not receiving hugs and kisses is alright and that doesn't mean that the kids don't like them or love them, just means that the child has been trained that they have the ability to choose.  They have the ability to consent to this behavior for themselves.  Gives them some control over their bodies and their being.  This process also 

Changing this expectation, teaching your children about consent from an early age, will help them know when lines are being crossed, identifying when they are uncomfortable and coming to a trusted adult for help.

If your child is comfortable and chooses to give those hugs and love on their own, that is fine, but if they reluctant, let them choose.  I do believe this doesn't give a child the right to be rude.  There are many ways to show thankfulness that don't require physical contact.  High fives, blowing kisses, fist bumps, head knod or an audible thank you - all will suffice.

Think it through help them understand and know consent.

"Being quite and hidden is no longer an option."
​-P

Spaghetti was one of my mom's favorite meals.  This was her go-to food of choice.  It was easy, pasta, Ragu and BAM! Dinner. As far back as I can remember, we had spaghetti once a week.  When the going got tough and she felt she had no control or she was trying to manage relationships between my biological father and her mother or she was trying to manage the relationship between my brother and my biological father, she would shut down and spend the next 5-7 days in bed.  She would get up long enough to make dinner and assure we were ready for the next day.  As hard as she tried, my mother couldn't manage the relationship between them.  It was so hard on her that she would shut down with worry and anxiety.

Managing relationships.  Have you ever tried it?  Have you tried to scan the horizon to anticipate what reactions people in your life will have between each-other, how they will react to each other, or how to majage what is said to who when? Well let me tell you first hand, it is exhausting.  It is a life lesson I learned from a very young age.  

It was my job to assure that my biological father was happy so that he didn't treat any of the rest of my family members badly.  To assure that if he started to say something to my grandmother that would set her off, that I jumped in and changed the subject, or if my grandmother started to push his buttons with her tone, that I distracted her and take her to some where else in the house.  

To this day I try and manage relationships.  This need and want to assure that everyone is happy and enjoying themselves, exhausting and I am truly unable to make this work, most of the time. I am acutely aware of this downfall, that I carry.  I can't manage everyone and how they are with each-other, I can only manage me. I have to remind myself of this almost daily.  I know what I learned growing up and I worked hard to assure that I was doing what I was suppose to and that everyone was happy.  

What I didn't know then was, it didn't work then either.  But I was too young to know the difference. I just knew that most of the time my biological father wouldn't get mad or angry and he would remind me what my responsibility was to assure that his needs were met.  

This is only one of the many things I learned during my childhood years.  There is so much baggage that comes with abuse, abuse of any kind.  But child abuse, leaves scars and baggage that can take years and sometime a lifetime to over come.  

There is a lot of hard work that has to happen, but in the end you will be thankful for putting in the time.  Really analyze yourself, get feedback from those that you trust and care about and make a plan with yourself, an accountability partner or a therapist.  

You too can move beyond the effects of the abuse, even if it feels far away, its worth the time!

Join me by staying in your own lane...continued growth to all!

​-P

Ever had one of those weeks? Beat down, questioning all that you are, all that you have done and all that is yet to be?

last week was one of those weeks for me. Just coming off my grandfathers death, the memories of my mother’s passing, working on an emotional project and bam, caught completely off guard by someone’s words.

Ever since my biological father was sentenced to 17.5 years - I have come to have very few expectations of people, this is my protection, no expectations, no hurt, right!? Wrong.

I was reminded that perception is 9/10ths the rule. It doesn’t matter what the reality is, whatever someone’s perception is, is what is believed. A story seen through many people’s lenses - give a case for many different perceptions.

This realization, a reminder to myself, reminded me to be gentle with myself. I lock my emotions deep inside, I rarely let them see the light of day. Yet, this week was a week of pure raw emotions. Unlike anything I have released in a long time. Could it have been a myriad of things? Sure. Never really cried over my mom’s passing, my grandfather had just been buried, my new job challenges, my children growing up and the list goes on.

Yes, maybe it was many things, but the words put the icing on the cake.

Even with the deep hurt I feel, I still believe we belong to each other, everyone is doing the best they know how and there is no such thing as other people’s children.

I will do as I always do, pull up my boot straps and power through...remembering that I know who I am. I am proud of myself, right here, right now.

“Being quiet and hidden, is no longer an option.” -pennie