Have you ever been tired?  So tired that you can't think straight, so tired that the thoughts are running so fast through your head that your not even sure what is right versus what is wrong?Have you been so tired of life -- you are not sure how to keep going on or why?

I can think of times I was so tired of the politics and pain at work, I wanted to completely shut down.  There were times in life, where I needed to find some reason to go on.  There have been times when I have been so emotionally tired and so alone.  A friend once told me you can only be strong so long before it tears you apart.  I have been so mentally exahusted with worry and grief. 

Tired...comes in so many shapes and sizes.  Life isn't fair -- never has been.  I was an infant when this man first molested me, same as my brother....LIfe isn't fair.  My brother lived on the streets, dealt and did drugs....Life isn't fair.  Friends have passed away, way earlier then they should....Life isn't fair.  Other friends have lost their children way too soon....Life isn't fair.  Another lost the love of her life-way too soon....Life isn't fair.  Some are financially strapped, down in the dumps, lost their jobs, received medical news that no one wants to stomach....Life isn't fair.  The overwhelming reality of life not being fair....tires us.

In the seventh grade I actually contemplated suicide.  I wrote about and now realize I was really hoping that someone would read it and catch on to the horrible things that my bio-father was doing to me.  It worked -- well kind of.  My mother found my youth group journal about me wanting to commit suicide, but I never wrote about the whys.  She was devastated.

She came to my school in Germany at the time and pulled me out of class.  She demanded to know why I would say such things and why would I ever even think that way.  There she was staring at me in the face -- I was tired -- but I couldn't hurt her.  I knew that if she knew the real reasons, she would have a complete meltdown.  I knew that this news would be news that no one could ever take.  I made up excuses and made it out that it was all me and I just wanted to attention.  I was grounded for a week....Life isn't fair.

Who knew that it was going to be another 6 years before anything would finally be said.  I would have never guessed.  Tired.  I was too much of a chicken to actually do any harm to myself. I remember thinking I can't leave my brother and my mother to this monster.

What's my point tonight....really I am not sure -- I guess I keep thinking that someone out there has it way worse than me, their story is devastating -- they are hurting -- they are lost. 

That is what keeps me going a lot of times.....yeah this moment sucks, I am feeling really alone right now, I am feeling very overwhelmed right now, I am not sure how I am going to get up and make it through tomorrow --- and I stop and reality check myself....someone somewhere is hurting deeply -- and have no ability to change their situation...what am I complaining about.

So to you tonight whatever it may be -- how bad is it?  Sure I always say -- each of us have our own "stuff" that can be equally as bad to us as a death in the family or a diagnosis of cancer.....but in reality -- will it matter in 10 min, 10 days, 10 years?  Is it life or death?  And then... what is my plan to get through another, yet paintful, season. So tonight as I contemplate how tired I am, how I feel a bit lost, and a bit alone.....you fight too -- this too shall pass.

You too will make it through.  Only rainbows after rain.

Night friends, praying for lives to be changed. 
Love getting your emails and/or comments ...

-P

"Only rainbows after rain
The sun will always come again.
Its a circle,  circling,
Around again, it comes around again" -Andy Grammer

Yes, I admit it--I am a control freak.  There are many things that I don't need to have control over, but many that I do.  I am not a planner persay and am quite spontaneous, but what I have decided recently I need to be better in control of my feelings, not an area I am such a freak about right now.

Time to work on that.  As a survivor.....or at least for me, I worry about being let down, I worry about being hurt, I worry about being disappointed - by the important people in my life.  All things that my bio-dad was a part of....but all of those are feelings that I control -- no one places those upon me for me to carry.  I take situations and times and pull those feelings out of whatever the situation may be.

Most of the time what I have realized is that the people involved in the situation doesn't even realized that I am feeling a certain way about the situation....hence my ownership of the emotions and feelings. 

Tough thing to grasp.  Because I don't want to feel those things, I try to set up situations or play a role in those situations so that I don't come out on the other side feeling let down, guilty, disappointed, hurt, etc......so time to buck up.

Time to be different, time to change my thinking and my ways.   None of those feelings are fun...and I challenge you that if you come out of times feeling any of these feelings to step back and remember that no one makes you feel guilty, no one makes you feel disappointed, no one makes you feel let down, and no one makes you feel regret. 

A couple survivors I spoke to this weekend are struggling in the same manner.  Controlling life (nearly impossible) might lessen the feelings that we have that hurt, but in reality....controlling doesn't help - actually makes it worse.

My opinion....part of healing and surviving through this thing called life -- is owning what is ours to own and persevering through all that this life has to offer.

Praying for lives to be changed.

-P

First live recorded talk about my story: Child Abuse Survival

I have spoken about my story many times, this is the first in this type of a forum and with the ability to share with others.

http://youtu.be/UXYK3oedwZ0

Praying for lives to be changed.