Several friends had very impactful times recently....all of whom have been fighting something in their past.  Fighting things that haunt their everyday, fighting something that can take over all of their thoughts and feelings in a blink of an eye.

Fighting the demons of what others have done, being able to explain the whys, and trying to figure out how to keep lifting up their feet and moving forward.  How do they take their next breath?  How do they function in a society who wants everyone to get over, whatever their pain is, and continue to move forward....so easy for us all to think that and say that...but if you walked in their shoes for one moment of the pain that they have endured and you might second guess a statement of "get over it", "move on", "you can't grieve forever". 

Grieving is a painful, slow process-- wether it be abuse, a death of a loved one, unexplained circumstances, hurtful words, loss of a friendship, loss of a love, grieving doesn't come easy....no matter what the circumstances -- but grief has to happen.

After getting through several of the stages of grief -- forgiveness can happen...forgiveness can free your soul and your life and you mind.  Forgiveness can move you to love deeper and larger and better then ever!

Forgivess is freeing, it's release, it's the wind beneath your wings (yes I love Bette Midler too!).  Forgiveness -- if we could all grasp the meaning and the use of forgiveness -- the ability not to dwell -- the ability to set your mind free of the pain and the hurt and want and the agony.

The freedom from yourself and your thoughts.  The freedom to be the real, the raw -- YOU!  The ability to release and share who you truly are -- and to share the pain and the agony and the process that you have been through.

FORGIVENESS.....this was shared with me today.  I haven't heard this song before.  I love 70x70....and this song by Matt West, for other reasons...read the words, listen to the song.  FORGIVENESS -- set yourself free. 

Praying for lives to be changed....love to all.
-P

"There is no end to what its power can do, So let it go and be amazed by what you see through eyes of grace....Show me how to love the unlovable, Show me how to reach the unreachable....Help me now to do the impossible  ....FORGIVENESS"  - Matthew West

This is what happens when I can't sleep.  My mind is always going a million miles a minute!

Warning, right off the bat, this might be a bit graphic and hard to read.  You don't have to read it, really you don't.  I am sharing because the survivors that I have recently come to know, need to know that is okay to talk about what happened.  That they did nothing wrong.  That no matter if their family or mother's believe them -- IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT.  You were a child and there was nothing that you could do.

I have very vivid dreams.  To the point where it's like watching a movie while I am a sleep.  I can remember details down to the color of clothing, eyes, birthmarks, etc....the most finite details are remembered specifically.

Many years ago I drempt that my brother was in a motorcycle accident and drove into a tree.  The next day got the call, it wasn't a pole, but a pole.  This is one of many, what seem to be, coincidences.

Dreams this week are the same.  They are real, they are vivid, and they 
really get you thinking, second guessing, and wondering what is really going
on.

Thought I would share one dream from this week -- mainly because it was like watching a re-run of an old television show.  It was my life being replayed in my dreams.  I sometimes wonder what the purpose of my dreams are.  I feel like there should be a reason for them, or at least some of them, good, bad, or otherwise.

This is my dream -- and this is a true story to what happened.  I realized as I was thinking through the dream today, that I had forgotten these events, or just blocked them out and not referenced them in a very long time.

Setting: 1987, Germany, in the city of Ludwigsburg.  I was in the 7th grade. 

We lived on the economy.  When you are in the miliarty overseas, but live off base, that is called the economy.  We lived in officer housing and had to drive 10 miles or so to get to the base (if I remember correctly).  At the time we had a Dodge van. 

I won't ever forget that van.  It was one of the box types of vans.  It had seats in the back, a table, curtains, etc.  This van travelled us all over Europe.  But this van also held a lot of secrets.  Twice a week I would either be going to soccer practice or softball practice.  He would load me in the van, have my brother stay home with my mother.  He would then park on the side of the field and watch my every move.

Practice was only an hour long, but my father told my mother it was hour and half.  When I would get done with my practice.  I would get back in the van and he would say: "Time for games daddy plays".  I cringed.  I knew what that meant and they were not games that I enjoyed.  He would go towards the community garden plots and park.  They were dark areas that no one really frequented at night.

He closed the curtains in the van and assured that the lights were off.  Then the games would begin.  I was to close my eyes and he would count to 100 as he forced his private area to my mouth.  I would clench as tight as I could as the tears ran down my face.  Another game was play being a model.  He forced me to strip down so that he could sit across the van from me and masterbate.  I again would close my eyes tight, not wanting to see anything and tears streamed down my face.  There were many other sexual games that he would play/force me to do.  Some included hand-jobs, intercourse, oral-sex, you name it.  He would work hard at making the games seem "normal" or I guess "normal" in my world.

I was in 7th grade and I was athletic--pretty strong for 7th grade.  He looked like Jack Sprat, not much to him, maybe weighted a buck and a quarter. 

My point to all this is not that I couldn't have forced my way out away, to run, etc....but that he was the adult and I was the child -- and what I have come to realized is that I did nothing wrong.  Not one thing.  These games that he would play--continued to happen because he was the adult and he was in control.

He would threaten that if I told that I would never see my mother again, that I would go into a childrens home and that he would go away for a long time.  Then other times he would convince me that this is the way things worked in every family.  Not sure why I never asked someone if their dad's did the same things. 

I don't know why exactly that this dream came about, but all I can think of is that I needed to share the story, that someone out there has been through the same thing and needed to know -- it's going to be okay.  You are going to be okay.  You are loved and you are strong and you can do this thing called life.

There are days that are very very lonely....even with people around.  The mind is a powerful thing and these memories don't seem to go away.  But you get to a point where you can access them when you want and leave them on the shelf when you don't.

So these games that daddy would play.....were horrible, violent (even though not physically violent), controlling, manipulative, and calculated.  He did these day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. 

And no matter what, it wasn't my fault.  I didn't do anything to deserve any of it, I didn't do anything to ask for it, I WAS THE CHILD.  And so I say to you.....you were the chld and YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE.....you did nothing wrong.

You can be bigger than what happened to you and continue on this journey called life and survive, love people, and be fulfilled!!!  Pedophiles / offenders no longer have control when you break free.  Even though our minds might tell us differently!

I am proud of each and everyone of you.  And please, please, please....don't keep your voices quiet.  Stand up and share, stand up for what is right, there might be one thing that you say, that will change someones life forever.

Love to you all, praying for lives to be changed.

-P

 Trust.

a : to rely on the truthfulness or accuracy of : believe <trust a rumor>

b : to place confidence in : rely on <a friend you can trust>

c : to hope or expect confidently <trusts that the problem will be resolved soon>

Rely, believe, confidence, hope........ As a survivor of child abuse, the ability to TRUST is one of the most damaged traits in your life. Someone close to you violated everything about you -- raped you, beat you down emotionally, maybe beat you down physically; Over and over, repeatedly, then the trust is destroyed. No matter who the perpetrator is they have the authority in a child's life to control and manipulate. They make promises and then those promises are destroyed. They promise that they will protect you and that they love you and that they will never let anything bad happen, but yet they are the one person that is doing all the things that they promise that they aren't going to do. And yet -- they do them, they destroy everything that you are, everything that the child had going for them. They take away their innocence and they strip away the spirit deep in the soul of that little one, 2 years old, 8 years old, 16 years old....doesn't matter the age of the child -- all rays of hope and peace are taken away.

Trust.....the ability to hope --- all hope is taken -- children begin to think that this is the best that it is ever going to be. Guess I have to do what I am told, I have to put up with being treated this way...especially when they are being threatened not to even speak a word of what is going behind the closed doors. Children don't know what to do with those emotions, those feelings, or what they are being. Why don't we allow children to drink and drive at the young age of 10 or even 14 for that matter.....children are not equipped with the tools and the maturity to deal with life at that level....and this is where the pedophiles, molestors, perpetrators-->fathers, mothers, brothers, cousins, neighbors, coaches, clergy, etc.....that is why they take advantage and prey on the innocent. Children are born innocent and pure of hate and pain and life --> and these people completely strip them of all that.

Trust...Abuse survivors deal with the deepest of trust violation, which came from those who are supposed to genuinely care about our feelings. The pain of having to deal with that disappointment may make a survivor wonder if they can ever trust again. I know it has me. There are very few and I mean few that know the true and the raw me. Opening up and sharing -- hoping to not get hurt, not feel pain, not to lose someone important to you -- not easy. There was a time, when no one knew the real me. Trust....what a small word, but it has such big meaning to our lives.

The scars never seem to go away. But they start to heal. Struggling to have healthy relationships - will ever be a problem. BUT the scars can heal and we learn to trust little by little -- but first coming to the realization that we didn't deserve what was handed to us. I have said it before, that what I have been through over the years has made me who I am today, but that road hasn't been easy. I will never complain about the road that I have been on or the elephants that were dropped on the road along the way, but let me tell you, there has been a lot of elephants dropped :)

But what I will say is that I am thankful for the few that I can trust, that I can truly be the raw/pure me. The ones that can see through my eyes and into my heart, and for being there always.

To you survivors out there -- open your heart little at a time and you will know who to trust and who to not -- you too can have a great life! Make the most of what you have, using what you have learned. What I have learned is to take this life one day at a time, because nothing is forever.

Praying for lives to be changed.

Love all around.

-P