Proverbs 22:6--"Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."
Good morning all!!!  Wow what a week, epiphanies, friendship building, running kids around, work, tons of great things going on, but on my mind this week was educating our children.  A couple of friends have asked about how do we educate--how do we protect our children from the risk of them ever being molested or abused.  WOW!!  I wish I knew the perfect answer to this
question, because the last thing I would ever want is another child to ever go through what I went through, to be molested or raped even once. 

My philosophy for our children is EDUCATION, OPENNESS, and TALKING.  We have to totally be open with your children and be sure to talk to them all the time.  Be completely in tuned to them and their needs all the time.
Over the next 7 days let's dive into the "7 Steps to Protecting Our Children From Sexual Abuse".  I have also posted a link below to the complete booklet.  Let me know if you have questions...please post here, send me FB message, whatever works for you.

Step 1: Learn the Facts and Understand the Risks Realities, Not Trust, Should Influence Your Decisions Regarding Children
"We live in a beautiful, safe neighborhood. None of these children could be victims of sexual abuse, right?"

IT IS HIGHLY likely that you know a child who has been or is being abused.
“It can't happen in my family. I could tell if someone I know is an abuser.”
Yet in more than 90% of sexual abuse cases the child and the child's family know and trust the abuser.

CONSEQUENCES to children and to our society begin immediately. Child sexual abuse is a direct source of a number of problems facing us.

• 70-80% of sexual abuse survivors report excessive drug and alcohol use.
• One study showed that among male survivors, 50% have suicidal thoughts and more than 20% attempt suicide.
• Young girls who are sexually abused are more likely to develop eating disorders as adolescents.
• More than 60% of teen first pregnancies are preceded by experiences of molestation, rape or attempted rape. The average age of the offenders is 27 years old.
• Approximately 40% of sex offenders report sexual abuse as children.
• Both males and females who have been sexually abused are more likely to engage in prostitution.
• Approximately 70% of sexual offenders of children have between 1 and 9 victims; 20-25% have 10 to 40 victims.
• Serial child molesters may have as many as 400 victims in their lifetimes.

Thank you www.d2l.org, appreciate what you have put together and your mission!!!
Love you all, praying for lives to be changed.

7 STEPS BOOKLET

Hey everyone.  Been off a couple with a little touch of something and Easter.  I hope everyone had a blessed Easter, if nothing more to have some dedicated time with their families and to understand the true meaning of the holiday. 

Something I wanted to share today, been on my heart.  Forgiveness doesn't happen overnight for anyone, especially for me.
(Thanks Diane Stelling for putting this exactly as I was thinking)

I have come to believe that there is a disconnect between what people attribute  to the act of forgiving and what the actual definition of the word really is. "Forgive" is used many times throughout the New Testament in many significant
passages, from the Lord’s Prayer to the words spoken by Jesus on the cross. The  Greek word used in these passages for "forgive" is "aphiemi" and the literal  translation is "to let go."  It is an act of taking something away from,
not of giving something to someone, and therein, I believe, lies the confusion.

Forgiving for me with my bio-dad wasn't giving him forgiveness....it was letting go--no longer allowing the pain and suffering and the worry and terror continue to follow me all of my days.  I have blogged about this before the noose around my neck.  When you are sexually and emotionally abused by someone so close to you in your life, a parent, grandparent, sibling, loved one---it is detrimental.  Abuse of any kind is terrible, but abuse by someone who is always there, someone that never goes away, someone who abuses you and you have to go sit at the dinner table with them and be respectful to them--is something unfathomable.

The fear, the worry, the constantly wondering what strings are attached.....being a child that never is able to experience true "unconditional love" is something that I could probably never be able to explain fully.  There always being strings attached is a feeling that no one should ever have to go through. 

"aphiemi"=to let go, give up a debt, forgive, to remit
af-ee'-ay-mee

I sure hope that this too will inspire you to be able to move beyond...find the true you and find your "Ultimate Aphiemi".

Love you all, praying for lives to be changed.

"Forgiveness is both a decision and a real change in emotional experience.  That change in emotion is related to better mental and physical health."--Everett Worthington, PhD

Forgiveness...what a touchy subject--sure has risen emotions of all sorts. But tonight I wanted to blog a little about forgiving yourself.  None of us are perfect, we are born in depravity--the natural ability for wrong doing.  Being able to forgive my bio-dad, wasn't about giving him a pass or permission to be back in my life, it was about releasing the true me, the ability to be free in life.

There is also forgiveness of myself.  During this entire process I had to forgive myself.  Yep, forgiveness of ourselves is
sometimes the worse.  I had to release and forgive myself, for feeling like I allowed him to do what he did to me, allowing him to hurt and abuse my brother, allowing him to hurt others in my life.  I got to an age where I was old enough to stand up to him
and I didn't, I chose to take the easy road, "The right things are never the easy things".  I have this engrained in my head, but I had to forgive myself.  I didn't deserve what he did because I went through puberty and had to begin to wear a bra.

So tonight I want to ask each and everyone of you, what are you holding against yourself?  What do you need to forgive yourself for?? What do you need to move beyond in your life.  Release those feelings and emotions from you....forgive yourself.

I was not resonsible for this man doing what he did to me, my mom, my brother....no one, It wasn't my fault...I have forgiven me.  It's not your fault that you wore a dress that day, or drank to much that day, its not your fault and you need to forgive
yourself so that you can move on and come beyond all of that.  You can release that piece of your life and find the true you
and your true feelings and emotions.  Forgiving yourself might actually be harder than forgiving anyone else.

I believe this to be so.  We can be harder on ourselves than anyone else....self-talk can wipe us out.  Forgive yourself -- for wahtever your holding on, possibly not abuse related at all, could be your finances, could be your weight, could be your relationship, could be your children, could be anything.....forgive yourself and let yourself free.

Hugs to all tonight, praying for lives to be changed.

"I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart.  And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give.  So don't be troubled or afraid. "   John 14:27, NLT

Just warning you all....this is a long one....Boy, FEAR, don't know why it came to me to night, but really felt strongly today that FEAR needed to be the topic of the day.  A little graphic maybe, but not going to apologize for the graphic nature or the biblical references....this is me....

There are so many types of FEAR---can you only imagine the fear of a child who is being abused by someone in their immediate circle of protection and understanding?  It is unfathomable.  I don't wish this FEAR on my biggest enemies, not that I have any(that I know of), but the FEAR that follows you every moment of every day is hard to explain.

I would get up for school and he would be gone to work, a bit of relief.  But then getting on the bus and then getting to school, I would constantly look over my shoulder as he would be watching me many times.  He would watch at lunch, as in Jr. High we had open campus and could go across the street to a Burger King bus, yep a bus.  It was awesome.  That's what you get when your on a military base overseas.  He would be parked in the distance watching my every move.  He would watch who I was with, what I was doing, where I was going.  What a terrible feeling.

In the evening the fear of him picking me up from sports--or watching me play.  I could never be myself.  The FEAR was overwhelming.  The daily threats of being taken away or losing my mother and brother.  OH! And then there was going to bed at night, what ultimate fear that was.  As I never knew when he was going to come into my room late at night when everyone was asleep and try something.  I would play sleep and flail around like I was sleeping restlessly, but that didn't always work. 

Then there was high school.  Somewhat of an outcast/misfit if you will.  I had come to this high school my freshman year, to a school, where everyone had gone to school together their entire lives, or close to it, I was different, I was new....not just anyone lets someone new in.  I joined soccer, softball, basketball, I was involved in Scouting (my really only safe-haven).  And no matter what school event, sport, etc.  he was there watching.  ALWAYS.  I got to a point where I would totally seperate myself from any school events, besides the sports I was playing in.  The FEAR was too great.  What consequence was I going to pay after an event because I was hanging with a friend or a guy.  Or who knows how he would construe what he saw or witnessed.

The FEAR of a child with no one to talk to and no where to go because the risk was too high.  FEAR gripped my entire being.  FEAR was constant -- I can remember back in elementary school, worrying if my mother had an AVON event to go to and
we were going to have to stay home alone with him.  FEAR---imagine it.  What is your FEAR??

Amazing how FEARS change.  After we got through the interviews with police and all the medical physcials (yep kinda like in the movies) the FEARS changed, what if he called, what if he was stalking again, what if, what if, what if.  FEAR is a gripping thing, FEAR can control your soul and your being.

Since 90% of abusers are people that our children know and 68% of those abusers are related---don't you think FEAR is a huge thing?  We as children were suppose to be able to trust these people---in my case a man I once called Daddy, Father, Dad---the man that was suppose to protect me, love me, fulfill my families needs---this many so calculated, manipulative and violent.....FEAR is a noose around your neck as a child or an adult who is having to experience this horrific life.  FEAR that one day this sick dirty man might impregnate me and then what will happen???  Let's talk about FEAR. 

FEAR takes on many facets in our lives, FEAR can be caused by so much--not just abuse, maybe it's loss of a job, loss of a child, loss of parents, being in debt, not being in control, FEAR of racisim, or sexism, or FEAR of axiety----let's face it we all have FEAR in our lives.

We also have FEAR when we don't understand....we FEAR people we don't understand, situations, medical worries, places, political things, FEAR is significant when we are unknowing, uneducated in a topic, or don't understand.

FEAR was eliminated for me when I put my faith first, I realized that what I was fearful of was minute.  I was alive, my family was alive, this man was no longer causing pain and hurt.  I realized that the courage to be me, to not allow him to cause me to be fearful was alive and well in me.  My Ultimate Forgiveness enabled me to discard, throw-away the fear.  Forgiving was like the keys to close the door and lock it away forever--no more FEAR.  Only living.

2 Timothy 1:7 NIV "For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline."

Love to you all, praying for lives to be changed.

I also want to recommend a book to you all....."Fearless" -Max Lucado

Vulnerable--"capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt"

It's interesting to me the different ways that you can use the word vulnerable.  "Dare” to be vulnerable as
that is what it is. Letting another see what’s really going  on inside of you is a scary thing for me to do at times.
The abuse at the hands of my bio-father shows me that things that I am vulnerable - things that I share, momre times than
not were used against me.  If I dared shared that I was interested in someon, he would start using that as a weapon against me.  I remember once--after having what seemed to be a normal conversation between father and daughter relating to relationships and boyfriends and girlfriends, I remember we were driving onto the military post in Germany where we lived at the time.  I remember him saying as the guard passed us through, how the guard looked like someone I would be interested in and that maybe he should hook me up with the guard so that I would have what I wanted and that he can just watch.  I remember thinking I am never going to tell you anything again.  And pathetically enough, it was hair color we were talking about.    During those years being vulnerable really came back to bite me and I learned quickly to steer far far away of ever say and or doing what was really going on in my head.  If I said that I liked the color red, he would find something nasty and inappropriate to relate back to me stating I like red.  Sounds simple, but in reality I was vulnerable in sharing things about me: hair color, colors, places--and he was very manipulative and calculated --where he would somehow relate thos tendencies of
his back to my interests or things that were on my heart.

I have learned over time that me being vulnerable can be a gift to others and a gift to myself.  It is amazing seeing that which someone else is willing to reveal can be my biggest lessons. I can see how another has been affected in their  journey and what its taken to get them from where they’ve been to a point  where they can be vulnerable and let those hindrances, challenges, habits or  fears show. Being taken advantage of during your vulnerability isn't right, nor is doing it to someone else.  To be  vulnerable is to embrace all the beauty of what we are.

I finally feel good in my own skin, if you will, I am finally ok that I didn't do anything wrong...and being vulnerable and sharing my life and my heart isn't going to get me what it use to, it can only be positive and healthy from here on out, because I choose to take control.  My Ultimate Forgiveness-----sure broadened my spectrum in so many ways.

Vulnerability shows  us what we need to look at, where we need to grow or something that needs to be lovingly addressed. Today I am not shamed by my vulnerability but proud of the growth I’ve made and the gift I have in sharing it with someone.  Today that someone is you.

Love you all.
Praying for lives to be changed, abused or not abused--maybe you can glean something from my ramblings  :)

Being a victim/survivor of child sexaul abuse or incest is a horrific thing.  The child is put in an adult position which is
totally unfair and unacceptable.  The manipulation is way more than any child can even handle.  My bio-dad was top in his class in manipulation.  He would manipulate conversations so that you began to think badly of someone else in the family,
he would continue to convince me that everyone had a father forcing them to have sex with them, (yes I said the word), and he would continue to convince/manipulate me--that if I ever told, I would never see my Mother again.  I was convinced, I was convinced that if I said one word, or had anyone thing that someting wasn't right, he would be too close. 

The pain, the agony, and the grief.  I went through it all.  Survivors actully do suffer griefp---grief of the loss of the parent who is offending-- grief of the loss of childhood.  Amazing What grief can do.  Literally seperating my self from the moments, from the pain.  I totally disconnected--if I act like everything is fine it will get better and will become "normal" or what is "normal" to me.  The pain of what was happening to me followed me for many years of my life.  I carried the hurt, the guilt (not only for me, but allowing this man to do this to my brother and my mother too), It hurts so bad and for many years hurt way to bad to forgive.

Thinking back, normal, does any of us really have normal?  And telling or being up front with someone in my family
or an adult that I trusted---wasn't an option.  I no out, there was no way that I could be upfront about this situation on the time.  No way was I going to lose my brother or my mother-that wasn't an option.  We make choices that seem like its the only
way possible at the time. 

Forgiveness gave me healing, ability to close the chapter on my grief, I wanted to share this blurp that was written by Karen A. Duncan from April of 2010, enjoy, praying it will move your heart.

"Forgiveness and having a relationship with a sex offender is not one and the same. Forgiveness is personal, it is for you to decide and to feel. Forgiveness is the understanding that what the offender did to you was not your fault, that you did not cause this person’s criminal behavior and most importantly that the offending was wrong. Forgiveness comes from releasing yourself from the shame that you have carried for someone else’s behavior. The shame is not yours to carry. Forgiveness is cleansing and freeing. It brings a sense of hope, health and wholeness to your life. Forgiveness is your right to live free of the shame, guilt and burden of sexual abuse by another. Forgiving someone for sexual abuse takes time and is an integral part of healing, but most importantly forgiveness begins by forgiving yourself for not being able to stop the sex offender. It was not up to you stop this person, it was up to the person to stop their sexually abusive behavior."
Where are you at right now???  Praying for peace that passes all understanding.

Love you all, bless someone today.

Life, is so interesting isn't it.  Life goes so many directions, with U-turns, left turns, right turns, reverse--lots of reverse....life just continues on wether your in it or your not.  I want to clarify something specifically---I am member of several survivor groups and blogs--and one thing that keeps coming up ----- that forgiveness shouldn't be given until offender (perpetrator, abuser, pedophile, rapist--whomever that maybe) actually asks to be forgiven.  I completely disagree.

I have nothing to do with my biological father, we actually have a life time restraining order against him, and I haven't written him or said to him "you are forgiven."  My kids will never be around him ever, I will never be around him ever again, it isn't going to happen--but the forgiveness isn't for him-----> One of the members of one of our groups on Facebook said it perfectly:
"Forgiveness grants nothing to the one forgiven, but it sets the forgiver free. "
I couldn't have said this any better.  I did not forgive him for him...I forgave him for me.  For freedom for the ability to move on in my life...for the ability to have a life!  I forgave so that he no longer had a strong hold on me or my life.  Enough was enough. 

His actions are completely unforgive-able in all sense of the actions.  But the stronghold that is on a survivor when they haven't forgiven is terrible.

Pedophiles and abusers can hold us by the neck with the grip getting tighter and tighter by the moment.  Anxiety, watching over your shoulder, not being to love or be loved.  I would go through everyday watching everywhere and anywhere--when he was released it was horrible...having an anxiety attack behind the wheel is a terrible feeling.  I needed that chapter to bre closed, I needed to move on.  Forgiveness was the only way out.

I was one of the lucky ones, when my mother learned of what was going on, she did what she had to do --police, interviews, physicals, court cases, pain, hurt and totally supported her children.  This doesn't happen to most--93% of the time the family doesn't support the child being abused.  Makes my heart sick--not supporting, not stopping, but continuing to allow horrific things to happen to CHILDREN.  Pathetic.  I was very lucky.  This adds to the pile of pain and hurt and unforgiveness.  Painful and continues to poke and prod at you forever and forever.....

So yes there are times when someone asks you for forgiveness---that's your call, but "Ultimate Forgiveness" definitely sets you the forgiver free.  I hope that you will find this deep within you, not for your perpetrator--- BUT FOR YOU.

I am by no means perfect, just decided I wanted to a life.  I pulled up my boot straps and took control --forgiving for me.  He
did terrble things and those memories will never ever go away--and that's ok will use those to help others.

Do what is right for you, follow your heart, but know your an amazing person who has grown in strength and character---be the sb

***Small addendum to this post, its 12:17am, I posted this about an hour ago, earlier tonight my Son was admament I read this article in his Biblical Choices book from School, the Article is called "Hymns about Him: "It IS Well With My Soul"  He asked me multiple times to be sure that I read it tonight.  That it has some terribly sad stuff in it, but in the end its good and he felt God talking to him through this article.  If your a typical parent, during the rush of the nighttime routine, you race around trying to get all the night stuff done and then breathe deep once the kids are in bed and go about your MOM or DAD time business.  But there was something different....tonight.  After I wrote out the blog post....I went to read and stopped and went back to the table to get this article he mentioned several times this evening.  To my SHOCK the subtitle of this article is "Bad Things DO Happen to Good People".  WOW Right after posting the post below.  The article is about Horatio Spafford, he wrote the hymn, "It Is Well With My Soul" in the 1800's.  Horatio went through horrific tragedy where in the end he had lost all of his family including his children -- only his wife and him were left.  Horatio went through "WHY ME" many, many times during the course of his battle of grief.  If you get a chance to check, out history on Horatio, it was quite interesting--and thank you Jaycob for making me stop and pay attention!!-----THINGS DO HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE...now on to tonight's blog.....(the words to the hymn are at the end of the blog post****

I hear this so often and I have said it myself.  WHY. Why me?  Why now? Why this, why that.  Have you ever asked the question "Why?" about something in your life?

Recently a dear friend's son went missing and then was found floating in Bellingham Bay--"WHY?" even more recently another friend 45 had a massive heart attack and passed away....more "WHY's" ??

As a little girl I can remember wondering "Why?".  Why would God allow someone to do these horrific things to a child.
My biological father went to Korea for a year.  That was an amazing year, we had so much fun, no worries, no pain, no walking on egg shells.  But I remember thinking when he came back that someone must have taken the good daddy and sent back a bad one.  I would pray that the bad one would go away forever.  And continuing to think "Why?" 

The horrific nights of him busting up the dinner table at Thanksgiving in front of my new boyfriend (one day to be husband).
The stalking--watching me from a distance in his car, pulling our large van over on the side of the road on the way home to do whatever he pleased, "WHY ME?"  Why was he so mean to my brother who didn't deserve to be treated so badly.  Even though I didn't know he was being beaten or sexually abused, why be so mean?  Why yell all the time??  (To this day, yelling, just gets the better of me...can't handle it all, I swoop up my kids and stuff and vacate!)  Why Why Why....but more than anything WHY ME? And why would God allow this to happen.  And the ultimate question:  "Why was I even born?"

You know in my search for peace I asked these questions a lot over and over as I am sure that many of you do over and over
as well.  God didn't allow anything to happen, it's human nature, it's being born in depravity.  We are humans we are going to fail some worse than others.  This isn't God allowing something to happen to me, its the depravity of a human that allows themselves to do such terrible things to another human being.

WHY---I will never know, but what I do know is that if I personally hadn't gone through what I have gone through in my life I wouldn't be the person that I am today.  I wouldn't have the strength nor the outlook on life that I have.  I know that God is using these experiences that I have been through, although horrific and terrible, he is using them in me to make me a better version
of me.  I know that if I hadn't been through the horrific sexual abuse from the time of a little baby to adulthood...I wouldn't be
able to share this story that, I am hoping, is helping others. 

Today my Aunt made a statement to me, and the "Why was I even born" question was answered:
She told me today that if my mother hadn't married my bio-dad and then had me, she said "I wouldn't have you in my life and what a loss that would be for all of us."--And there we go...the WHY ME solved, not that I am the end all to be all, but God is changing lives - to him be the glory.  Forgiving is a gift---allowing my WHY ME's to be answered and allowing me to live my life.

**Disclaimer---these are my personal thoughts and understandings of what I have been through....fyi....it's me talking here!
Love you all.
Praying for lives to be changed.

"IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL"

1. When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
   When sorrows like sea billows
   roll;
   Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
   It is well, it is well,
   with my soul.


2. Refrain:
   It is well, with my
   soul,
   It is well, it is well, with my soul.


3. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
   Let this blest
   assurance control,
   That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
   And hath
   shed His own blood for my soul.


4. My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
   My sin, not in part but
   the whole,
   Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
   Praise the Lord,
   praise the Lord, O my soul!


5. For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
   If Jordan above me
   shall roll,
   No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
   Thou wilt
   whisper Thy peace to my soul.


6. But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
   The sky, not the grave,
   is our goal;
   Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
   Blessed hope,
   blessed rest of my soul!


7. And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
   The clouds be
   rolled back as a scroll;
   The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall
   descend,
   Even so, it is well with my soul.

Luke 7:36-43,47:  Simon “loved little” (7:47, 39) because he did not see or appreciate his need for forgiveness.

So maybe you have been abused and maybe you haven't.  Maybe you have experienced pain and hurt from someone you trusted, someone you loved, someonone you opened your heart to, pain inflicted by a relationship, in a friendship, from a family member, from an employer, maybe you have been betrayed, raped, molested-----pain and hurt at the root of it all. Since all the hurt and pain has stopped -- from whatever horrible experience you have had in life, have you been able to truly love?? 
Have you been able to love with your whole heart?   Have you been able to be loved? 
Has the dark cloud been following you around -- being guarded, careful, hidden, sheilded in your life? 
Have you experienced the inability to love or to truly be loved? 

I found this in my own life---so ultiimately true!  The pain and hurt caused at the hands of my father--impacting my ability to love and the ability for me to allow others to love me.  Not wanting to ever be hurt again, not wanting to ever be vulnerable to the point my heart was exposed, was a terrible way to live.  I couldn't ever truly experience life as God intended it to be.  I found worry, pain, fear to rule my life.  Looking over my shoulder constantly theoretically.  Putting up the guards to protect myself.
NOT THE WAY TO LIVE.  This also exposes you to grabbing ahold of attention and love in the wrong places.

Finding My Ultimate Forgiveness has allowed me to freely love and to freely be loved by those in my life.  That doesn't
mean it's always easy--by no means is that true.  It doesn't mean that sometimes the pain isn't there in the forefront, but for me it means it no longer controls my life.  The pain and hurt at the hands of that man, no longer guides the way I live, am loved, or give love.  I now have the ability to love with my whole heart, the ability to accept love, and the ability to keep the guards down and not having the worry and fear at the front of my mind and life!  You too can have the freedom and ability to do the same!  There is light at the end of the tunnel-you deserve the best life that was planned out for you

Luke 7:47  "Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has
shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.”