I love days when I meet new people.  It is a ton of fun to just randomly start talking to someone I don't know and get to know them.  I have met so many different people in the last couple years....and some turning into great friends.  This last week I have been at a conference and talked with people in healthcare, education, manufacturing, consultants, military, rocket science, insurance, and non-profits.  People are fascinating.  What I find most fascinating...and blogged it recently is the masquerade -- the ability to show what you want on the outside...no what matter what is going on or has gone on inside.

Recently met an amazing lady.  She is an artist and has a wonderful outlook and vision into lives and hearts.  She said that diamonds are created with great force and stress.  Diamonds have to be under extreme heat, near 800 degrees and the utmost atmospheric pressure.  (I had to do some research).  I am not sharing this to describe why diamonds are expensive...but that deep down inside us all are diamonds.  Diamonds that don't come through overnight, diamonds that have been through terrible stress, strain, and pressure.
 
This just caught my attention and my heart.  Thinking through the pain and suffering of what I went through and what the abuse has done to me...somewhat culminates several of my blogs lately.....what happened to me -- has made me who I am today.  For someone to say that they can see my diamonds....what a compliment.  The biggest thing I got out of that was -- finally the pain, the darkness, the ache isn't showing through :) Finally the forgiveness, the understanding, the time that I take to work through me and what I have been through is working.

Diamonds...what a concept.  Think about anything painful you have been through in your life.  Maybe not painful, maybe it was hard, stressful, just flat tough.  Maybe it was struggling through college, or dealing with the death of a loved one, or being raped, or being sexually abused as a child...how about being bullied (many go through this now--even adults), maybe a health issue, loss of a job. 

But if we continue to let all those circumstances run our lives....we will never see our diamonds, but especially no one will see the diamonds within us.  Finding your fogiveness for whatever your situation is....finding your ability to move past it and not letting it control you....will make all the difference in your life, it will take you to a new level!! 

Your diamonds will start to sparkle inside and out.....find your VOICE and your ULTIMATE FORGIVENESS and I know that your DIAMONDS will be out for everyone to see.

With love to all...praying for lives to be changed.

(Reb....hope you are okay with my adaptation -- learn so much from you in a short amount of time :) )

2011 as been an amazing year.  A year of changes, findings, profound people coming into my life, others walking out of my life, epiphanies, and many other profound events.  (Yes those pics are me...can you say 292???)

During my childhood, my abusing father always made sure to tell me I was fat, chunky, lots to love, that no one would ever love me like he did, and that I would always be short and fat.  Well, once you have been told something for a period of time you begin to believe it.  I was ashame.  I felt shame about my weight, I felt shame about what he was doing to do me...shame just engulfed my life.

I was on a roller-coaster of weight for years.  I was very athletic all growing up; soccer, softball, basketball, track, and other sports.  I loved to be active with Girl Scouts hiking, snowshoeing, swimming events, etc., but weight was always a battle.  When I was going to go in the Air Force, I worked out 3 times a day and got down to 150.  I was raring to go, this would be it-- I wasn't going to go back to that weight again.  Then it happened again...had Jaycob gained it all back, had Tyler...gained even more.  Then came June 2010, I was miserable, hated my job, hated my body, I was a bit miserable.I muttled through--remembering constantly what he said to me...like a ringing in my head, you will always be fat.  I would hear this over and over and over again. No matter what I did. 

Let's jump forward, January 2011, I woke up one morning with this incredible peace.  I can't even explain it.  I woke up thinking I am not doing this any longer....I was, the largest I had ever been.  I was 292...wow!  I don't know if I have ever actually said that number outloud. 

I was done the time had come to make some serious changes--shame no more.  I wasn't ashamed of my body, of who I was, of what had happened to me as a child, none of it.  It was like an amazing UH-HUH moment.  I took responsibility for me...I was no longer going to blame my bio-dad for his abuse and for me being fat.  I was the one to blame no one else.

I wasn't going to be ashamed of what he had done to me anymore...and in April 2011 I started this blog and shared my story with many who have known me for years, but never knew what had happened.  You too can have this.  After many prayers night after night, reading of books, it had dawned on me that the strength I needed, the power that I needed was within me! Not any book or counseling, or any other material thing.  The power, strength, and purpose was in me!  So many amazing people to thank for this year and all that I found within myself, wasn't all about me, but about the people around me that taught me so much!

As far as being ashamed to say I wasn't a virgin when I was married, that I was raped by my biological father repeatedly.... I didn't ask him to do what he did to me, he did it.  He was the adult and he had the control.  He was the one with the power. 

Same for all of you, whatever abuse you have gone through---ITS NOT YOUR FAULT, and you shouldn't feel any shame in what happened or any shame in yourself.  You are amazing, beautiful, and a person that deserves love!!!  And remember--all of you no matter what the trauma in your life, eating disorders, emotional eating, having been abused, or fear that you can't even explain....all of you too have the strength and power in yourself to make a difference and change your future!!!

I am not a boaster normally, but in 12 months I have lost 58 lbs.  I feel great.  I started playing soccer last fall for more activity, and working out at least 5 days a week, tracking what I eat, drinking more water...and just getting out there.  This year I found my voice, my forgiveness, and found my groove :)  I am sharing this because all of you can find the same peace.

I have a long way to go, I have insecurity issues, I have worry problems, people pleasing still an issue...and on and on....why I am telling you all that??  I am not perfect...and never will be, but what I can tell you is that when you find your peace, when you find your voice, when you find your groove....life starts to come together so that you may live and love again.

Challenge this week for everyone--what do you want to do?  What is your passion?  What is your fear??  Tackle one of them...and make a difference.....FIND YOUR VOICE and your ULTIMATE FORGIVENESS will come to you!

Take it from me---a broken soul---> you can get your GROOVE back!

Love to all, praying for lives to be changed!
-P