Masquerade….

Masquerades, I was thinking about masquerades, I have never been to one, but I was thinking about what you see on TV, the mystery, excitement, intrigu…not necessarily the dancing or event of it, because trust me…if you saw me bust a move—might scare everyone :)

I was thinking more about the masks ….everyone comes as someone else, someone they want to be, and someone different on the outside.  Masks are interesting aren’t they?  Outwardly they change you to who you want to be.  They change your outer appearance and you can be anyone or anything that you choose.

I chose this picture above, because this picture fascinated me…and it was perfect…a masquerade mask with 3 potential faces…..I really have been soul searching recently because I know that I am not as transparent as I should be with those in my life and with all of you.  I have many masquerade masks available for your viewing pleasure J

That isn’t to say that I am fake or not who I say I am, but that for my outward appearance to you I could be whomever I need to be at the moment.  Let’s go back almost 21 years (Oh my goodness!! Dating myself for sure!)  When I moved to Washington State and started at my High School, I knew no one.  We moved here in the military.  We were stationed in Germany and I had been there for 5 years and loved every minute of it.  See when you’re a military kid…when you move your welcomed with open arms because everyone you have is who you have, they are your family, everyone is part over everyone.

When I moved here, oh goodness, close your eyes and visualize….oh wait your reading J New 9th, yes 9th grader, going into high school, knowing no one.  This should be great fun!  It was a disaster.  All the “cool” kids had been together since they were little.  The nerdy kids were afraid of everyone else, I had no idea how to fit in because I never had to “fit in”, I was always the cool kid.  Athletic, popular, outgoing…so in Germany…never had an issue and because of all that I never worried about any one finding out about the abuse I was going through at home.  Let’s just say high school wasn’t the best years of my life! 

Our family looked normal, whatever that looks like.  So back to Washington State, no fitting in here!  I was so afraid of becoming close to anyone and having to take my “mask” off, I stayed far, far away.  I played sports, chatted with a few here and there, learned a lot, but kept my mask on so that no one would ever know the real me.  Truly, most probably don’t know about the abuse even now.

 I am typing fast, because we are out of power and my laptop is about to die, sorry sidetracked.  It was an ordeal to come here, to come completely out of my comfort zone.  The mask was on all the time….I was scared to let anyone see the real me.  I was terribly afraid of speaking out of turn, saying something wrong, which all could lead to being found out. 

I wore many masks as a kid.  I had to I had to play good daughter at times, I had to play obeyer to his demands at times, I had to have a mask for every role he expected out of me…for a child to be people and ages that they have no clue about … it was all a masquerade.  What a great way to put it!  I have been trying to come up with a way to describe it for quite some time! 

Today in many instances – my masquerade masks still come out.  I am the real me, but there is a lot in my heart and in my soul that I don’t share with anyone.  I don’t want to be hurt, I don’t want to expose myself for the chance that someone won’t like me, won’t like me for who I am, won’t want to be a part of my life anymore.  I shared this with a friend the other day and she said…you have told the world what your father did to you….how much more vulnerable can you be?  Yes this is true, I am very frank about the goings on as a child, all the horrible things that he did to me and my family, but I am not as willing to spill my heart and soul.  I have many passions that I don’t hesitate telling anyone how I feel or what I think about the topics.  Child sexual abuse is one of those topics, gay rights is another, Christians really being Christians---loving people, is another one…..but my true soul…..might still be there hiding.  I am a very patient person, but there are many times the patience goes right out the window!

So I am going to take a mask off tonight…I am afraid of being rejected, I am not a big fan of being alone (this might surprise people, since I go alone a lot), I am afraid you might not like me, I get nervous that you might talk bad about me, I worry about hurting people’s feelings, I don’t sit still well (oh wait many of you might know that)…..

To a fault, I love people too much sometimes, I take on a lot of “stuff”, I struggle with depression too, I have thought about and contemplated suicide many times, I cry when I am alone so that no one will see me hurting, I love to care for people, but sometimes need that in return.  I am tough-----but yet pretty sensitive…..I love to share my thoughts, but also love sharing thoughts and revelations of others—there are amazing speakers and authors and everything in between out there that I learn so much from!

So there you have it, is that all of my masks?  Have I taken them all off?  If you noticed, I said I was taking “a mask” off tonight…..so yes there are many many more….but hey this is a start.

What I have learned in my 38 years is, we all have masks….we can make ourselves out to be anyone we want people to think we are, how many masks do you have in your closet?  I know I have more than I can count. Trust me that I am real, true, and honest, but know….there is more to me…you may never see, learn, or know.

Today’s challenge….take a mask off, find someone you trust with your whole soul and share something that lies underneath your mask, its an amazing feeling to open the door and become vulnerable…trusting and sharing with another that you care about and cares about you.  Take off the masks….maybe only one at a time and that is okay….one at a time is great.  I BELIEVE IN YOU. 

Here is to finding your VOICE and finding your ULTIMATE FORGIVENESS! 

Love to all…praying for lives to be changed---as I do every single day!

-P

Do you ever wonder?

As an adult that survived sexual abuse and incest for most of my childhood, there are many occasions when I wonder what life would be like if things went differently?  Do you ever just sit and wonder?  Do you ever ponder all the scenarios – reminds of the books I use to read where when you got to the end of the book you could pick ending A, B, or C...

Wouldn’t that be something….get to a situation and you could choose from door 1, 2, or 3.  Be even better if we go through one door and don’t like it and can turn around and try again!  Now that would be perfect!

I remember when everything came out and my Mother was devastated that she didn’t know what was going on….I remember her saying I should have never married that man.  Got me thinking….I wonder….what if she wouldn’t have married him, I wouldn’t be here, or at least be this person.  I wouldn’t have went through all I did as a child and young adult, but does that mean that my childhood would have been any different? 

When you have abused---you also do a lot of wondering about what could have done differently.  I remember thinking, if I didn’t act like I liked my father, if I would have not grown older, if I would have told, if I would have…….and as my grandfather would say---shoulda, coulda, shit! J For all of you out there that are still struggling with the battle of the wonder about what you did wrong or what you could have done right ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. NONE!!  It’s a hard thing to get over, but you did nothing wrong, I want to especially make this clear for those that were abused as children—your abusers were adults, people in your family that knew were adults—they are at fault—they are to blame, they know better and should have never taken advantage of a child.

I remember confronting my bio-father about him abusing my brother (which I didn’t know about) and he swore to me that my little brother came to him wanting sex, wanting to watch porn, wanting to know about all of that, begging for it. WHATEVER----he was a child….you were the adult.  THIS IS NEVER EVER EVER OKAY….So quit wondering about what you could have done differently to change what happened to you--- and know….ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. 

I would wonder about a lot of things though (still do)….what my childhood would be like if there was no abuse, if I wasn’t a child of an Army officer.  I wonder what it would have been like to have lived in the same place my entire life.  I wonder what type of person would I be today if I hadn’t been through the hell that I was? 

Truly I think that the abuse I went through helped shape me as a person, now that isn’t saying that I would repeat my childhood as it was, parts of it I would, but what would “ME” look like—if none of that happened?

I was actually laughing out loud at wondering if my parents weren’t who they were….

No gray hair, thin, very athletic, brainiac, oh it would be so fun to take all the qualities that you wanted and put yourself together, then wake up the next day a new person.

Wondering is fun…you can put a scenario together in your head and imagine.  Imagination is something that we all need to do more often…as adults we often time spend it worrying about the here and now, worrying about the next bill, the next assignment at work, is the house clean, is the laundry done, this that and the other thing….what about just taking time to wonder, imagine, contemplate life.

Wonder what it would be like if you woke up tomorrow tackling a passion --- wonder and imagine if you stepped out of your comfort zone and did something wild and crazy….imagine what life could be like.

In Western Washington today, we were hit by a large storm, yes some of you from the East Coast and Midwest are laughing—that we would consider this much something a main event, but around here it is….but the snow did more for me…it made me remember years past-the good, the bad and the ugly--- it made me giggle like a little child, it made me think about what I am thankful for and it really made me wonder about all the things that I haven’t done, I haven’t thought about and I haven’t tackled.

I wonder at the end of every day if I said I love you to everyone who needed to hear it today, did I give a smile to someone I walked past that I didn’t know, did I pray for those having to go on the road today, did I take a couple minutes to call someone close to me that loves to get a phone call, did I text someone a hello today—just because. 

Wonder is an amazing thing---it can take you places you have never been, or maybe places that you want to go back to, maybe being in a moment that was spectacular, or maybe receiving a little bit of love and attention from someone special in your life. 

Wonder, amazement, miracle, phenomenon, splendor what are you wondering about tonight?  Go to my homepage here...listen to Chris August's song 70x7 and wonder what would it be like to forgive, forgive something so unimaginable, forgive so that you can wonder about what your life will look like tomorrow when you wake up and the pain and the weight on your shoulders is gone....wonder and imagine your ULTIMATE FORGIVENESS! 

Let me put this challenge out to each of you….take some time to wonder, to imagine, and to do something different….challenge yourself, step out and find you, your voice, and your passion….and love yourself and love people.

-With love, praying for lives to be changed!

-P

Today, had a lot of down time, which doesn't happen often.  It's probably a good thing that I don't have too much down time as my mind is always spinning and working overtime.  So today was one of those days.  Battling a cold did a lot of sitting and resting.  I received a couple emails this week from survivors inquiring about how long recovery takes.  I thought that was an interesting question and since I am not educated in the topic, I can only go by what my experiences are. 

But as I was thinking through the topic of recovery, I was thinking about the 5 second decision.  It seems as though in 5 seconds you can make decisions that can take a lifetime to come out of.  Wether it be a purchase on a credit card, a damaging word that came out of your mouth, an email that went to the wrong person, catching the eyes of someone, kissing someone, a beating by your father, forced sex by your mother--the list can go on and on ...but the reality of is in 5 seconds we all make decisions or are impacted by decisions that can be detrimental or completely positive to our future. 

One particular that emailed this week mentioned that she filed bankruptcy.  She said that is going to take 7-11 years to come out of it, but that the abuse that she went through as a child was over 27 years ago.  It is so interesting to me how long things take for us to get over, the damaging effects of abuse is lifelong.  Although you learn to deal with it and you learn how to manage the memories and you learn how to not let your abuser control your life any longer,  you never seem to be "over it". 

I think that is the case with any type of abuse, neglect... but can also be the same for happy things as well.  Another person emailed this week about loving.  She said that she was really struggling getting over a relationship.  The man is still in her life and she doesn't know how to move on, that she felt like she had dealt with her abuse at the hands of her mother, but can't seem to move on from feeling love for this person.  She was feeling it the other way. 

Getting over things, working through things, grief, abuse, debt, love.....all take time and time is what you need.  There are so many great resources to help you through.  If you work somewhere most have an employee EAP (Employee Assistance Program), these normally can help you set up counseling and you can get so many visits for free.

There are blogs, books, resources, everywhere.  Be cautious, read and really do some research so that you get some reources that are going to be helpful and applicable to your situation.

Maybe you want to try the REM type of therapy, get an appt with a counselor/phsychiatrist and talk to them about the options.

Its a long road and you will never be completly over it, but hopefully you can close the chapter on that part of your life and access it when you want to in the future.  And then if you talking about happy thoughts, and memories, put them away and dig them out when you want. 

Love to you all, praying for lives to be changed.

Resources:
Helpguide relating to Rapid Eye Movement Therapy

Recovery

Steps to Recovery, Stages of Recovery

Today I posted a question on a couple of Abuse and Incest boards that I am a member of, to see what people thought of the word FEAR.

I had so many responses.  It was very interesting.  Everyone perceives things differently.  It was interesting to hear so many different people's perceptions of fear, some said fear of the dark, of men, of older men, of women, of being mean to others, fear of not being spoken to when someone finally knew what happen to them, fear of having children, fear of becoming a pedophile after being abuse, fear or the light, fear of the dark, fear of love, fear of life, fear of themselves, fascinating what fear mean to others.

I have felt many of those fears.  What I have found is through my healing process I have found that my fears have changed, evolved, and differed over the years.  What I was fearful of at 16--being stalked and watched, not being able to take a shower without being watched through the keyhole....those types of fears are different than the fears I experience now.....

I remember having the fear of seeing my biological father for the first time in the court room, after not seeing him for many weeks.  That was a fear!  I remember when he got out of prison and the fear of seeing him somewhere in public.  I remember the fear of driving down the street.  I remember the fear of my children somehow being seen by him.  The fears don't seem to go away -- they just evolve and I have evolved.  I have learned how to deal with the fears that I deal with on a regular basis.

Tonight I went to a networking event, which intrigues me, since I seem as though I can meet and talk to strangers easier by the day, but I was a nervous, a complete fear of something new.  But it was good and met more great people.  Facing those fears head on makes all the difference in the world, but it is not easy.  Fears hold us back, they inihibit us from being ourselves, they stop us of from trying new things.  

Fear prevents us from loving those that need it the most, fear stops us from saying what we need to say, fear prevents us from allowing ourselves to be loved, to love others, to tackle new adventures, fear prevents us from learning and developing the real us.  Fear can really hold you back from living your life. 

My fears now.... fear of not being the real me, fear of not giving enough of myself to others, and the fear of not being the best version of me that I can be.

I battle myself everyday...what did I do that day to impact someone's life in a positive fashion?  I really feel that I went through my personal hell so that I can help others, so that I may give of myself to others and really help others find themselves and find their voice.  My morning prayer everyday is, let me learn something new and let me do or say something to impact someones life postiviely each and every day.  I also have a grand fear that my time on earth is going to be over one day and that I would have not had the chance to do all that I needed to do and say all that I needed to say.  So I have decided to tackle all of that head on....and make sure that i would have no regrets when my times comes---that I would say the important stuff everyday to those I love and to those I don't know, that I would tackle each day as an opportunity to do something great, without tooting my horn.

Fear......utilizing my fears.....so that I can make sure I say I love you every day to those in my life (wether they get tired of hearing it or not).  That I would look at everday as an opportunity to learn something new and that I would take everyday to try and be a blessing to someone each and everyday.  Tackling my fears and worries head on, by addressing them and preventing them from controlling my life.  You can do it to.

This is my way of tackling my fears....becoming the best version of me.....utilizing my fears to help others.

What are your fears, how can you grab them by the horns and utilize them to help you....help you find the real you, find your voice, and find your ultimate forgiveness.  This isn't just about fears relating to child abuse or incest, but fears relating to anything, your job, a disease, fears of your family, fears of who you really are, fears of meeting new poeple, fear of anyu

With love, praying for lives to be changed! 
-P

Good day to you all...okay so the day is about over, but there is about 49 minutes left in today :)

I don't know how many of you know the name, Andrew Vacchs, but he is a world renown author and attorney who has dedicate his life to  protecting children.  Back in 1994 he was interviewed by Parade and I wanted to share this with you today.  
He has fought for children for many years.  In 1994 when we came out and decided to go after my father for what
he had done, we had a consultation with Mr. Vachss, he had great advice, but since he only practiced
in another state, we couldn't utilize him.  I remember specifically his calming voice and understanding.

The mind is an amazing beast.  It can make or break you.  Our minds can make things up, over-think, exaggerate, and be absolutely brilliant.  I have always said that emotional abuse was really the worse abuse I went through.  Yes I was young girl and my biological father penetrated me--and yes it was painful, but that type of pain I could get over, the pain of the mind, the emotions, the games, the manipulation....that pain would take years to work through and actually I don't know that you ever get "over it", per say.  But I have been glad about and enjoyed to an extent to learning about me and going through what the emotional abuse did to me.  I realized and learned a lot about myself--my family--my situation.

Going through that healing process from emotional abuse isn't easy, but the reward after is so worth it, the ability to be able to survive, live, and enjoy life.  Can't beat it!

This is an excerpt that I found to be very powerful....I really feel like if you have been emotionally abused in any way,
by anyone, that you can utilize this article as well--He shares here about the "role" that a victim of emotional abuse takes
on because that is the role that the abuser assigned to the victim.  Emotional abuse survivors look for approval--normally
by those that can't or won't provide what you need.....ITS NOT YOUR FAULT, please read:
"When your self-concept has been shredded, when you have been deeply
injured and made to feel the injury was all your fault, when you look for
approval to those who can not or will not provide it—you play the role
assigned to you by your abusers.
It's time to stop playing that role, time to write your own script. Victims
  of emotional abuse carry  the cure in their own hearts and souls. Salvation
means  learning self-respect, earning the respect of others and making that
respect the  absolutely irreducible minimum requirement for all intimate
relationships. For  the emotionally abused child, healing does come
down to  "forgiveness"—forgiveness of yourself.

How you forgive yourself is as individual as you are. But knowing you deserve
to be loved and respected and empowering yourself with a commitment to try is
  more than half the battle. Much more."-Andrew Vachss
 So please read the article by Andrew Vacchs, and there is some other links  relating to his work as well.

With love, praying for lives to be changed
-P


You Carry the Cure In Your Own Heart
 
Emotional abuse of children can lead, in adulthood, to addiction,
  rage, a severely damaged sense of self and an inability to truly bond with   others. But—if it happened to you—there is a way out.
by Andrew Vachss
Originally published in Parade Magazine, August
  28, 1994

 The attorney and author Andrew Vachss has devoted his life to protecting   children. We asked Vachss, an expert on the subject of child abuse, to examine   perhaps one of its most complex and widespread forms—emotional abuse: What it
  is, what it does to children, what can be done about it. Vachss' latest novel,   "Down in the Zero," just published by Knopf, depicts emotional abuse at its most  monstrous.

 I'm a lawyer with an unusual  specialty. My clients are all children—damaged, hurting children who have been  sexually assaulted, physically abused, starved, ignored, abandoned and every  other lousy thing one
human can do to another. People who know what I do always  ask: "What is the worst case you ever handled?" When you're in a business where  a baby who dies  early may be the luckiest child in the family, there's no easy  answer. But I
have thought about it—I think about it every day. My answer is  that, of all the  many forms of child abuse, emotional abuse may be the cruelest  and  longest-lasting of all.

Emotional abuse is the systematic diminishment of another. It may be   intentional or subconscious (or both), but it is always a course of conduct, not  a single event. It is designed to reduce a child's self-concept to the
point  where the victim considers himself unworthy—unworthy of respect, unworthy  of  friendship, unworthy of the natural birthright of all children: love and   protection.

Emotional abuse can be as deliberate as a gunshot: "You're fat. You're   stupid. You're ugly."
Emotional abuse can be as random as the fallout from a nuclear explosion. In   matrimonial battles, for example, the children all too often become the   battlefield. I remember a young boy, barely into his teens, absently rubbing
the  fresh scars on his wrists. "It was the only way to make them all happy," he   said. His mother and father were locked in a bitter divorce battle, and each was  demanding total loyalty and commitment from the child.

 Emotional abuse can be active. Vicious belittling: "You'll never be the   success your brother was." Deliberate humiliation: "You're so stupid. I'm   ashamed you're my son."

 It also can be passive, the emotional equivalent of child neglect—a sin of   omission, true, but one no less destructive.

And it may be a combination of the two, which increases the negative effects   geometrically.

Emotional abuse can be verbal or behavioral, active or passive, frequent or   occasional. Regardless, it is often as painful as physical assault. And, with   rare exceptions, the pain lasts much longer. A parent's love is so important to
  a child that withholding it can cause a "failure to thrive" condition similar to  that of children who have been denied adequate nutrition.

Even the natural solace of siblings is denied to those victims of emotional   abuse who have been designated as the family's "target child." The other   children are quick to imitate their parents. Instead of learning the qualities
  every child will need as an adult—empathy, nurturing and protectiveness—they   learn the viciousness of a pecking order. And so the cycle continues.

 But whether as a deliberate target or an innocent bystander, the emotionally   abused child inevitably struggles to "explain" the conduct of his abusers—and   ends up struggling for survival in a quicksand of self-blame.

Emotional abuse is both the most pervasive and the least understood form of   child maltreatment. Its victims are often dismissed simply because their wounds   are not visible. In an era in which fresh disclosures of unspeakable child
abuse  are everyday fare, the pain and torment of those who experience "only" emotional  abuse is often trivialized. We understand and accept that victims of physical or  sexual abuse need both time and specialized treatment to heal. But
when it comes  to emotional abuse, we are more likely to believe the victims will "just get  over it" when they become adults.

That assumption is dangerously wrong. Emotional abuse scars the heart and   damages the soul. Like cancer, it does its most deadly work internally. And,  like cancer, it can metastasize if untreated.

When it comes to damage, there is no real difference between physical, sexual   and emotional abuse. All that distinguishes one from the other is the abuser's   choice of weapons. I remember a woman, a grandmother whose abusers had long
  since died, telling me that time had not conquered her pain. "It wasn't just the  incest," she said quietly. "It was that he didn't love me. If he loved me, he  couldn't have done that to me."

But emotional abuse is unique because it is designed to make the victim feel   guilty. Emotional abuse is repetitive and eventually cumulative behavior—very   easy to imitate—and some victims later perpetuate the cycle with their own
  children. Although most victims courageously reject that response, their lives   often are marked by a deep, pervasive sadness, a severely damaged self-concept   and an inability to truly engage and bond with others.
 
We must renounce the lie that emotional abuse is good for children because it   prepares them for a hard life in a tough world. I've met some individuals who   were prepared for a hard life that way—I met them while they were
doing  life.

Emotionally abused children grow up with significantly altered perceptions so   that they "see" behaviors—their own and others'—through a filter of distortion.   Many emotionally abused children engage in a lifelong drive for the approval
  (which they translate as "love") of others. So eager are they for love—and so   convinced that they don't deserve it—that they are prime candidates for abuse   within intimate relationships.

 The emotionally abused child can be heard inside every battered woman who  insists: "It was my fault, really. I just seem to provoke him somehow."

 And the almost-inevitable failure of adult relationships reinforces that   sense of unworthiness, compounding the felony, reverberating throughout the   victim's life.

Emotional abuse conditions the child to expect abuse in later life. Emotional   abuse is a time bomb, but its effects are rarely visible, because the   emotionally abused tend to implode, turning the anger against themselves. And
  when someone is outwardly successful in most areas of life, who looks within to   see the hidden wounds?

Members of a therapy group may range widely in age, social class, ethnicity   and occupation, but all display some form of self-destructive conduct: obesity,   drug addiction, anorexia, bulimia, domestic violence, child abuse, attempted
  suicide, self-mutilation, depression and fits of rage. What brought them into   treatment was their symptoms. But until they address the one thing that they   have in common—a childhood of emotional abuse—true recovery is impossible.

One of the goals of any child-protective effort is to "break the cycle" of   abuse. We should not delude ourselves that we are winning this battle simply   because so few victims of emotional abuse become abusers themselves. Some
  emotionally abused children are programmed to fail so effectively that a part of  their own personality "self-parents" by belittling and humiliating   themselves.

 The pain does not stop with adulthood. Indeed, for some, it worsens. I   remember a young woman, an accomplished professional, charming and friendly,   well-liked by all who knew her. She told me she would never have children. "I'd
  always be afraid I would act like them," she said.

 Unlike other forms of child abuse, emotional abuse is rarely denied by those   who practice it. In fact, many actively defend their psychological brutality,   asserting that a childhood of emotional abuse helped their children to "toughen
  up." It is not enough for us to renounce the perverted notion that beating   children produces good citizens—we must also renounce the lie that emotional   abuse is good for children because it prepares them for a hard life in a tough
  world. I've met some individuals who were prepared for a hard life that way—I   met them while they were doing life.
The primary weapons of emotional abusers is the deliberate infliction of   guilt. They use guilt the same way a loan shark uses money: They don't want the   "debt" paid off, because they live quite happily on the "interest."
 
When your self-concept has been  shredded, when you have been deeply injured and made to feel the injury
was all  your fault, when you look for approval to those who can not or will not provide  it—you play the role assigned to you by your abusers. It's time to stop playing  that role.

Because emotional abuse comes in so many forms (and so many disguises),  recognition is the key to effective response. For example, when allegations of   child sexual abuse surface, it is a particularly hideous form of emotional
abuse  to pressure the victim to recant, saying he or she is "hurting the family" by  telling the truth. And precisely the same holds true when a child is  pressured  to sustain a lie by a "loving" parent.

 Emotional abuse requires no physical conduct whatsoever. In one extraordinary   case, a jury in Florida recognized the lethal potential of emotional abuse by   finding a mother guilty of child abuse in connection with the suicide of her
  17-year-old daughter, whom she had forced to work as a nude dancer (and had   lived off her earnings).

 Another rarely understood form of emotional abuse makes victims responsible   for their own abuse by demanding that they "understand" the perpetrator. Telling  a 12-year-old girl that she was an "enabler" of her own incest is
emotional  abuse at its most repulsive.

A particularly pernicious myth is that "healing requires forgiveness" of the   abuser. For the victim of emotional abuse, the most viable form of help is self-help—and a victim handicapped by the need to "forgive" the abuser
  is a handicapped helper indeed. The most damaging mistake an emotional-abuse   victim can make is to invest in the "rehabilitation" of the abuser. Too often   this becomes still another wish that didn't come true—and emotionally abused
  children will conclude that they deserve no better result.

The costs of emotional abuse cannot be measured by visible scars, but each   victim loses some percentage of capacity. And that capacity remains lost so long  as the victim is stuck in the cycle of "understanding" and "forgiveness."
The  abuser has no "right" to forgiveness—such blessings can only be earned. And   although the damage was done with words, true forgiveness can only be earned   with deeds.

For those with an idealized notion of "family," the task of refusing to   accept the blame for their own victimization is even more difficult. For such   searchers, the key to freedom is always truth—the real truth, not the distorted,  self-serving version served by the abuser.

 Emotional abuse threatens to become a national illness. The popularity of   nasty, mean-spirited, personal-attack cruelty that passes for "entertainment" is  but one example. If society is in the midst of moral and spiritual erosion,
a  "family" bedrocked on the emotional abuse of its children will not hold the  line. And the tide shows no immediate signs of turning.

Effective treatment of emotional abusers depends on the motivation for the   original conduct, insight into the roots of such conduct and the genuine desire   to alter that conduct. For some abusers, seeing what they are doing to their
  child—or, better yet, feeling what they forced their child to feel—is   enough to make them halt. Other abusers need help with strategies to deal with   their own stress so that it doesn't overload onto their children.

 But for some emotional abusers, rehabilitation is not possible. For such  people, manipulation is a way of life. They coldly and deliberately set up a   "family" system in which the child can never manage to "earn" the parent's
love.  In such situations, any emphasis on "healing the whole family" is doomed to  failure.

 If you are a victim of emotional abuse, there can be no self-help until you   learn to self-reference. That means developing your own standards,   deciding for yourself what "goodness" really is. Adopting the abuser's   calculated labels—"You're crazy. You're ungrateful. It didn't happen the way you  say"—only continues the cycle.

Adult survivors of emotional child abuse have only two life-choices: learn to   self-reference or remain a victim. When your self-concept has been shredded,   when you have been deeply injured and made to feel the injury was all your
  fault, when you look for approval to those who can not or will not provide   it—you play the role assigned to you by your abusers.

It's time to stop playing that role, time to write your own script. Victims  of emotional abuse carry the cure in their own hearts and souls. Salvation means  learning self-respect, earning the respect of others and making that
respect the  absolutely irreducible minimum requirement for all intimate relationships. For  the emotionally abused child, healing does come down to  "forgiveness"—forgiveness of yourself.

How you forgive yourself is as individual as you are. But knowing you deserve   to be loved and respected and empowering yourself with a commitment to try is   more than half the battle. Much more.And it is never too soon—or too late—to start.
 ©  1994 Andrew Vachss. All rights reserved.

LINKS:
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Today I spent some time with a friend that is dying of ALS.  Everytime I go and spend time with him, I learn something.  The past 12 months I have learned so much from him (as well as from many others), but specifically from him and what he is going through. 

Something he said today, really impacted me.  He said, he is living his "personal hell".  His wedding anniversary was the week earlier and he wasn't able to go and get his wife a present.  That to him was the worst possible thing that could happen.  He said he didn't care about any of the affects of the ALS, until it hit him that he couldn't go do something for his wife.  He said that for the first time in the 12 months since he was diagnosed, that he hates this disease and is living in his "personal hell". 

We talked about a lot of other things during the visit, but "personal hell" really stuck with me.  I got to thinking about my "personal hell", which was being abused by my father.  The late night visits to my room when everyone else was sleeping, the detours in the van on the way home from soccer practice, the stalking, the drilling holes in the bathroom door so that he could look in and watch....my "personal hell".  

I had a bit of drive home from my friend's house....lots of time to think alone....

I got to thinking about "personal hell" and if I were to ask different people about their "personal hell" how I would get many different answers.  A few people that I know already...would say--a relationship breakup, bankruptcy, medical/health related issues, depression, death of a family member/loved one, loss of a child, rape, drug abuse, devastating storms, earthquakes, tornados.....all of us have our own "personal hell",  How we choose to deal with that hell, how we choose to survive that hell, how we choose to come out of the tunnell on the other side of the hell....is our responsibility....is our choice. 

Do you sit there and die or take control and have a life....choose to live and not exist.

That doesn't mean surviving our hell is easy, or something that we can do on our own, but there are resources, help, counseling, etc....there are ways that we can work through our hell and beat it, be better than it, and not give in to the pain of the hell.

For me that was a very long road.  There was suicide thoughts, wanting to run away, financial strains, relationship strains, internal heartache, hours of counseling, sleepless/wrestless night, distrust, anxiety, and pain.....surviving my "personal hell" wasn't easy.  It isn't easy for my friend, e, and he won't be surviving it ... but as he told me today, he is ready....he knows death is iminent, and besides hating the moment recently, that he is going out on top.

My "personal hell" took my childhood, made me into an adult much earlier then ever should have happened, but I came out alive, my friend won't.  Others don't make it out alive....even some who are physically alive, aren't alive inside or mentally.  

I want to encourage each and every one of you....that if you are in your "personal hell" or you have come through it, that you take it by the horns and fight the impact of it.  Don't let it get the better of you, don't let the horrible "thing" impact your life forever...take the reigns, take control, and be mean and nasty and beat it.....knock the hell out of the "hell" that you have been through.  We are all survivors....of our "personal hell".

If you need help or guidance, but please let me know, there are lot of resources that we can share to help you out.

And please remember, that person your sitting next to on the bus, the person that sits a couple cubicles over, how about the "super mom" that seems to have it all together....everyone has had something devastating, hard, painful happen in their lives...keep your eyes open...it might be the day that you are put in someones life for a reason.

Love to all, praying for lives to be changed.

-P

My blog originally was solely about my adventure through being abused and finding my voice, and then my ultimate forgiveness.  What is cool about having your own blog is you can talk about anything you want to and its okay...its my blog.  You don't have to read, you don't have to get anything out of it, but part of my ultimate forgiveness is having a place where I can put my thoughts, etc.  Part of healing is being able to find your voice.

So, needless to say....I am glad I found my voice...and I love technology and the ability to have this blog....and type away anytime I want to.  If it helps you in the least bit, I am thankful.  If it doesn't help you at all, there are other blogs out there too.

So this year I have made some amazing new friends.  I have also reconnected with some old friends, that were never truly gone.  I have learned many, many things from all of them.  One thing I have learned is that everyone has a story...and you may never know it, but you may impact someone without knowing what you have done. 

Received a note from a woman I met over the holidays, she thanked me for impacting her for life.  I wasn't sure what she meant and then I read further, now please know that I am not writing this for the recognition of impacting her life, but that in my ignorance for impacting someone without even knowing it.  And what I have realized is that you have to live your life for purpose, being genuine and real all the time, being confident and living intentionally.  

I was openly talking to this new friend the first night I met her about my abuse, I don't even remember how it came up now, she in her nonte about impacting her life, she talked about how a matter of factly I talked about the abuse, but how passionate I talked about my life and loving people.  She said that she could tell I have a lot of faith, but that I am different and that she could tell that loving people is my passion...she thanked me for what I said that night. 

Honestly, I have racked my brain, I can't remember the entire conversation, but I can tell you that I don't change who I am for anyone.  This is me, I am who I am....I talk about the sexual abuse at the hands of my father, that he would come into my room at night and want to play horrible games with a child....me....his child, as well as everything else that he would do.  But I also don't apologize for my beliefs, I believe in God and I have a lot of faith, but with that being said...religion--I am not a big fan of....because, more than anything....I LOVE PEOPLE....loving people means everyone...

Hence why I am not a fan of religion...none of us should be judging people ... none of us.  I think that is why Single Dad Laughing's post about "I am Christian.......Unless your gay...." impacting me so much.  So many call themselves Christians, but have a laundry list of "rules", what happened to just LOVING PEOPLE?

Wow, a little all over the place, but thank you for your note to me....it really impacted me this week.  And has made me think...."AM I living each and every day with intention, with confidence, and with passion for others...that is my prayer..."

Someone else recently...said that they had been looking for someone to love them, this person then made a comment that they became passionate person of love and loving people passionately....that the love they were looking for came to them. 
I can only hope that we all come to that conclusion....or learn that life lesson... that is a toughie.

One other thing that I have learned recently is to open my eyes....I have learned that every person I come in contact with each and everyday....there could be a profound reason...and to never take those meetings lightly. 

Learning and growing each and everyday...I just hope to continue that growing and learning to be going in the right direction.

If someone has a stronghold on your life from your past or present....forgive and set yourself free....it's an amazing feeling.
Love to all, praying for lives to be changed.  (Check out the Youtube link below--watch it i

-P

Well contemplating 2012....hmmmm, wait don't we have to re-evaluate 2011?  Okay, maybe we don't want to do that...maybe we just want to open the door to 2012 and start fresh and new?  How about you?

Met a new friend this year, and something she said to me has stuck...."why wait to go after dream....why not start small and tackle it a piece at a time."  Boy has that really been gurgling in my brain....why not start now?  Why wait?  What have I been watiting for?  What have you been waiting for?

Been an interesting year to say the least.  Kids are another year older, or wait...I am too.  New people have entered my life and made a profound impact, started the blog and the facebook page...but there  is so much more to be done!  Do you ever feel like that?  Like there is always a to do list and nothing seems to fall off of it?  I know that my list is never ending.  A few people have shared this from a book called, "An Enemy Called Average" by John Mason.  In reading this and some other bloggers comments about it, I wanted to share with you, as it really had an impact on me.  Praying for an amazing 2012 for each and every one of you.

DO MORE: Do more than exist. Live. Do more than hear. Listen, Do more than agree. Cooperate, Do more than talk, Communicate, Do more than grow, Bloom. Do more than spend, Invest. Do more than think, Create. Do more than work, Excel.... Do more than share, Give. Do more than decide. Discern. Do more than consider. Commit. Do more than forgive. Forget. Do more than help. Serve. Do more than coexist. Reconcile. Do more than sing, Worship. Do more than think, Plan. Do more than dream. Do. Do more than see. Perceive. Do more than read. Apply. Do more than receive. Reciprocate. Do more than choose. Focus. Do more than wish, Believe. Do more than advise. Help. Do more than speak. Impart. Do more than encourage, Inspire. Do more than Add, Multiply. Do more than change. Improve. Do more than reach. Stretch. Do more than ponder, Pray. 

Praying for lives to be changed, with love.

-P